frustrated

my ct didn't clear anything up.  they have now postponed my surgery.  apparently there is something weird going on with my bone marrow.  they have now found the "abnormality" in both of my shoulders as well as my hips.  it appears that there is something in my marrow that is not typical.  the doctors are leaning away from it being cancer mets for a couple of reasons.  first off, my tumor shrunk so much during chemo that it would stand to reason that any other cancer would have also shrunk- not gotten worse.  second, the abnormalities are very symmetrical (in all of my joints) which isn't typically how cancer shows itself.  third, my pain doesn't seem to be consistent with bone cancer.  my shoulder only hurts when i move it in certain ways.  and the other shoulder doesn't hurt at all.  and my hips *were* bothering me, but haven't been lately.   they have absolutely no idea what it is if it *isn't* cancer.  but everyone seems to be "leaning away" from cancer.  and they're "hopeful" that it isn't...  

i'm angry, frustrated, scared, and upset by the whole thing.  this has completely thrown a wrench into what had been a well planned surgery.  my kids were covered, people were taking off of work...  it has affected more people's schedules than i care to think about.  i'm soooo frustrated and angry.  last night i pretty much just shut down.  i didn't call or email any of the people that were waiting to hear from me, and i went across the street to heather's with amy and julie.  we sat around and drank wine and coffee until 11pm and then i was tired enough to fall into bed without thinking about it anymore.  

the next steps aren't scheduled yet, but they most likely involve a PET scan and a biopsy of my bone and/or bone marrow- i'm not clear on that, yet.  i'll be sitting by my phone today waiting for my next directions.  ugh.