now i know you're all thinking that i should be really glad that it's only temporary, and that there are lots of women out there that are stuck with this forever. and i also know that i should be counting my lucky stars that what we're dealing with here is an infection of my boob. not more cancer and not in a vital organ. it's something i don't need to survive. and i have a husband already, so it really doesn't matter what i look like. and the rational part of my mind knows all that stuff.
the emotional part of my mind howeever, and my heart, says that the rational part should just f*%$ off. because this sucks. bad. and for some reason the fact that this is all happening because i had *cancer* is just starting to hit me. this could be the rest of my life- i could be dealing with infections and recurrences and chemo and blah, blah, blah forever. which is not what you guys want to hear, and it's not particularly what i want to feel, but it's the truth. and the truth sucks. and i'm really sad about it and not sure what to do.
yes, i should go talk to dr. anderson, and get therapized... and yes, i'm taking my meds... yes, i should focus on the good, because there's plenty of that. and i'm really trying. i promise. but this whole boob thing is really hard to shake off. and i'm not sure why. plus, i've managed to convince myself that every little ache and pain is the infection spreading, so i'm driving myself crazy with that. i'm hoping that going back to work on tuesday will help me focus on something else. you'd think that being home from the hospital, and back with my family would have done that for me, but apparently i need work, too.
there has been good stuff this week, though... our friends nick and nicole sent me beautiful flowers :) and so did my uncle larry and aunt laurie- soooo pretty! my grandpa made me snickerdoodle cookies from scratch using one of my grandma seeger's recipes. they're totally yummy :) and dad and jill brought me chai to the hospital on friday! kj and the girls and i went to the zoo this morning for a little while, which was fun :) we took lots of pictures in the "wings to the world" exhibit, so i'll post some soon. i've raised $350 for the komen walk tomorrow- and i *will* still be walking. my mom has my girls tonight so that i can do the walk tomorrow as a cancer survivor, and not as a mom that has to worry about bathrooms, and lunches, and naps, etc... i'm hoping for lots of inspiration tomorrow to get me out of my doldrums. i've heard it's an amazing race, so i'm looking forward to it.
thanks to all of you for all of your love and support- and i'm sorry i'm so down right now. i'm hoping to post happier thoughts soon... i'm home, and feeling pretty good, so that's good news :)
9 comments:
(BIG hug!)
Hope the walk inspires you! We love you, girl!!
A, M, & A
You're more than entitled to feeling this way... I'm surprised it didn't happen sooner. You've got all of us...your family... your amazing friends...and the best husband in the world to help you through. And don't feel guilty for feeling sad. It's totally normal.
You're more beautful than ever before to all of us... you just have to try to see yourself through our eyes.
love mom
And isn't it great that you have the courage to post these dark thoughts, and they go out into this huge loving family and get absorbed far away from you.
It's magic-- like sowing dandelion weeds and harvesting tea in its place :-)
You're only human, Mer! It's like looking at a relationship were they never disagree. It's not that there aren't things to disagree about. It's denial. How could you not have some of these worries, sadness and anger?!? So, you're moving past some of the denial. This is a good thing, right? And, as someone else said, a brave thing. I imagine that just by sharing where you're at lets some of the weight off of your shoulders. At least, I hope it does. Because, we are here. We can't walk the journey for you. But we can be here with you.
Hugs!
Hang in there, Mer! We are thinking about you. You are only given what you can handle. You have strength and are one of the strongest women I know. Take one day at a time.
being your friend and support doesn't mean just laughing at your jokes and cheering your good humor- it also means being invited to and attending the occassional totally justified pity party. Sorry you are throwing it- but thanks for inviting me in.
You already know all the stuff- love of the family, just a bump in the road- blah blah and it is ALL true and valid and important- but so is the other sh*%
Thinking of you and sending you love
I'm not about to blow sunshine up your ass...it sucks. plain and simple...sucks! you have every right to be pissed and angry and scared and everything else you're feeling. Don't feel bad about it. It's real! You WILL find your inpsiration and get over this funk. Just give it time. We're here for you girlie!
thanks guys- i love you :)
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