:)

i've made it through a couple days of teaching, and while i think that i may be slightly crazy for teaching while there is a drain dangling out of me, i'm feeling good :) i go to dr. h tomorrow, and i'm really hoping that he'll pull the drain at that point.

missed my second round of chemo today. i'm very frustrated. i'm really hoping to not have to miss too many more. in my perfect world, i'll start chemo again in mid-october, be finished by the end of november, and start my surgeries again in february.

keep your fingers crossed for losing my drain tomorrow! and i also get to get a prescription written for a prosthetic boob. so hopefully i'll look even again soon. it's pretty freakish to have one flat side in all of my clothes. ugh.

done

okay, i'm done being pathetic, i think :) thank you all so much for your support- it truly does help to know you're all out there! i'm starting to feel better, i promise. i'm going to use these couple of weeks off of chemo to try and get my eating under control, and maybe lose a few pounds. i'm going to spend tomorrow focussing on the good stuff- and catching up on some of the chores that i'm behind on so i don't feel so overwhelmed. i did the walk today, and aside from being tired, i feel really good. so, i know i can keep on keeping on. i updated my flickr page, so there are pics there to be seen if you're interested :)

oh! and my beautiful friend julie brought me sunflowers, cupcakes, and cards- including one from malachy. such a nice surprise- made me smile :) and gil brought me chocolates, and a gift card to old navy so i can buy a new sweater for fall :) sweet! and i've gotten lots of cards in the mail... so thank you again for thinking of me, everyone!!

just in case you were wondering- the colts are up 31-10 in the 4th... GO COLTS!!!

ugh

i'm having a really hard time shaking this whole thing off. i took my first shower since surgery last night, and got to really see what i look like in the mirror. it's horrible. i have one super cute boob, and one terrible, wrinkly, purple, concave nasty looking mangle of skin. i mean the incision itself is well-done- dr. h did his job perfectly, it's just that what he had to leave behind is terrible. and i have to live with it like this for a long time.

now i know you're all thinking that i should be really glad that it's only temporary, and that there are lots of women out there that are stuck with this forever. and i also know that i should be counting my lucky stars that what we're dealing with here is an infection of my boob. not more cancer and not in a vital organ. it's something i don't need to survive. and i have a husband already, so it really doesn't matter what i look like. and the rational part of my mind knows all that stuff.

the emotional part of my mind howeever, and my heart, says that the rational part should just f*%$ off. because this sucks. bad. and for some reason the fact that this is all happening because i had *cancer* is just starting to hit me. this could be the rest of my life- i could be dealing with infections and recurrences and chemo and blah, blah, blah forever. which is not what you guys want to hear, and it's not particularly what i want to feel, but it's the truth. and the truth sucks. and i'm really sad about it and not sure what to do.

yes, i should go talk to dr. anderson, and get therapized... and yes, i'm taking my meds... yes, i should focus on the good, because there's plenty of that. and i'm really trying. i promise. but this whole boob thing is really hard to shake off. and i'm not sure why. plus, i've managed to convince myself that every little ache and pain is the infection spreading, so i'm driving myself crazy with that. i'm hoping that going back to work on tuesday will help me focus on something else. you'd think that being home from the hospital, and back with my family would have done that for me, but apparently i need work, too.

there has been good stuff this week, though... our friends nick and nicole sent me beautiful flowers :) and so did my uncle larry and aunt laurie- soooo pretty! my grandpa made me snickerdoodle cookies from scratch using one of my grandma seeger's recipes. they're totally yummy :) and dad and jill brought me chai to the hospital on friday! kj and the girls and i went to the zoo this morning for a little while, which was fun :) we took lots of pictures in the "wings to the world" exhibit, so i'll post some soon. i've raised $350 for the komen walk tomorrow- and i *will* still be walking. my mom has my girls tonight so that i can do the walk tomorrow as a cancer survivor, and not as a mom that has to worry about bathrooms, and lunches, and naps, etc... i'm hoping for lots of inspiration tomorrow to get me out of my doldrums. i've heard it's an amazing race, so i'm looking forward to it.

thanks to all of you for all of your love and support- and i'm sorry i'm so down right now. i'm hoping to post happier thoughts soon... i'm home, and feeling pretty good, so that's good news :)

and the results are in...

i have mrsa. blurg. anyone who wants to chime in with some knowledge on that, feel free. what the nurses have told me is that it is a antibiotic resistant strain of staph. so it's harder to get rid of than a normal staph infection, but i'll be fine. apparently, while it is drug resistant, it's not drug inpenetrable, so they think the stuff i've been on will take care of it. it's a good sign that i haven't been getting worse since surgery, and in fact have continued to get better. my boob is going back to a normal color, that is. or at least the skin covering the bowl that used to be my boob is going back to a normal color. anyone that comes to see me has to wear a gown and gloves now, but it's not airborne, and in order to catch it from me you would have had to have had contact with my wound.

the nurse that was just in here says that everyone has mrsa in their body. because of my immunosupressed state (due to chemo) the mrsa "overgrew" and caused the infection in my boob. which is why it got so bad, i guess. so, perhaps it wasn't all my fault after all. a silver lining, i guess :)

not sure what all this does to my getting out of here. this morning dr. h was in and said i would be going home 24 hours after i start oral antibiotics. i'm not sure if mrsa changes that or not... we'll just have to wait and see.

wednesday

i'm still in the hospital, but i should be going home tomorrow. i'm feeling fine. i haven't had to have any pain meds today and it doesn't even really feel like i had surgery yesterday. my infection seems to be getting better. at least it looks less pink to me :) the doctors are waiting on my cultures... apparently there are different antibiotics for different infections. right now i'm getting a coctail of a bunch of antibiotics in my iv. once they have a better idea of what my infection exactly is, they'll be able to give me an oral version. there's a chance i'll go home on iv antibiotics, and the visiting nurse will have to come out twice a day to administer them, but i'm hoping not to have to deal with all that.

my oncologist came to visit me today. he's such a nice guy. he reiterated that this is a bump in the road, and that it will all be okay. he's okay with me taking a couple of weeks off of chemo to heal, and thinks that i should be able to start back up the week after next or so. we'll see.

i got the okay to go to the komen walk on sunday, and should be back to work on monday, so all should be well.

out of surgery

so, i'm out, and i'm flat (on the left). there was apparently quite a mess in there. the goo was the consistency of snot. pretty, right? and there was a lot of it. so dr. h cleaned it all out really well with some sort of pressure washer thingy and sewed me back up.

they're going to keep me here for another day or so to watch the infection and make sure that it continues to respond to the iv antibiotics. i have one drain in, and will have it for a few days- a couple of weeks... depends on how much it drains out each day. just like before, when it gets to less than 20ml/day consistently i can get it out.

the good news is that i'm not in any pain right now. i'm on oral pain meds as needed, but at least i'm comfortable :) and i've stopped crying and feeling sorry for myself for the most part. now i'm trying to figure out how i can still do the walk on sunday. anyone have a wheelchair i can borrow?

my phone is charged, and i've got a good computer connection, so feel free to call/email to keep me company :) not sure how long i'll be here for visits, but at least till tomorrow some time... then i'll be laying low at home for a few days. remember how i had my surgery in summer, so i wouldn't have to miss any work? yeah. me too. blurg. oh! sorry- not feeling sorry for myself anymore... how's this... i get a week off of work to sit in my house and catch up on tv and movies :) hooray!! blurgggggggggg... i'm working on it.

this just in...

my name is meredith, and i'm a complete imbecile. also, not so smart in my brains. and here, hot of the presses... i am not a medical doctor. apparently, i am not battling a histamine reaction, i am battling another freaking infection. and, since i waited so long to go to the doctor (yep- just thought i'd wait till my regularly scheduled appt this afternoon) they can't just give me antibiotics. i have to have surgery tomorrow. to remove my expander and clean out the infection. dr. h may be able to put in a permanent gel implant since i'm at the size i want to be, but it will depend on what he sees when he gets in there.

best case scenario: i have surgery tomorrow, get my implant, and restart chemo in about a month. no further infection surfaces and life goes on with a really annoying but in the scheme of things fairly small blip (1-2 weeks off of work, chemo ending in early december instead of the end of october).

other scenario: they open me up tomorrow and can't put in the implant because there's too much of a mess from my infection. they have to close me up flat, and can't start the reconstruction again until 3-6 months after my chemo is finished. and i have to start all over with the expander.

either way, the right side is fine, this is all just effecting the left. and i'm *very* annoyed with myself for not going to the doctor last week. i *really* thought it was the same histamine reaction i've had in the past. i'm not sure when i'm having surgery tomorrow. my girls are with my dad, who happens to be on vacation this week. not sure how long i'll be here. ugh. this whole thing blows. but, it could be worse, so i'm going to really try hard to stop dropping f- bombs and work on getting out of here.

bad...

i'm having a terrible time with my histamine reaction. on top of that i have a lot of chemo pain. my boob is still purple and swollen, so i'm taking benedryl every 6 hours (though nothing seems to be changing). my hips, knees, shoulders, and leg bones are *killing* me, so i can't get comfortable anywhere. i'm taking tylenol every 4 hours, but it doesn't seem to be doing anything. this sucks. i go back to the plastic surgeon on monday, so hopefully i'll be able to get some help with the histamine at that point. i'm really hoping to wake up tomorrow feeling better... we'll see how it goes. keep your fingers crossed, please!

1/2 way!!

i got my chemo yesterday, so i'm half way done :) hooray! i'm having yet another histamine reaction to the alloderm (the fake skin they put in to make a pocket to hold my implant). so currently i am in pain and my boob is purple. it was so bad yesterday, that i left work early. the only thing i can do for it is take benedryl, but then i can't drive or teach. so i'm taking it at night, but since i can't take it every 6 hours like i'm supposed to, it's not really helping. this has happened every time i've gotten filled. but this time is worse than most. ugh. it started when i had my infection and my body produced a whole bunch of histamine to fight it. now any time the alloderm stretches, histamine rushes to the sight and hangs out there for a few days or more. fun.

other than that, all is well so far :) we have a pretty quiet weekend planned. and i'm very excited to say that my parents are taking the girls tomorrow night (mom's taking izzy, and dad and jill are taking symma) so kj and i have friday night and saturday to ourselves with *no* plans. we get to sit on our couch and do nothing. and watch the biggest loser :) and then, on saturday morning, joy of joys, we get to sleep in together!!!!! i'm soooo excited.

oooh! and here's the best thing that's happened this week. when i came home early yesterday, i was in so much pain, and i was really crabby, and then i couldn't take any meds because i had to drive myself to chemo, and i was pretty much ready to just lay on the couch and feel sorry for myself. but then i walked into my house. and the cleaning people had been there (i knew they were coming, but it had completely slipped my mind with the giant histamine attack), and my house was bee-u-tee-full! i almost cried. and then i went up to my bedroom, and they had even attacked my dresser. which was completely covered with all of my hats and scarves and you couldn't see the top at all, and they folded and stacked everything so nice, and made all of our beds... i was so happy. and then i could sit on my couch guilt-free for the few hours until i had to go to chemo. so i downloaded a whole bunch of pictures. and watched a bunch of shows that had been building up in the dvr. and as long as i didn't move, my boob didn't hurt. and life was good. i so love beth and her family for setting this up for us. and forcing me to accept it.

had support group tonight. i love those ladies :) it's so nice to talk to other people that have gone through all of this... we're discussing going to the young survivors conference in february in atlanta. it's 3 days of information... fabulous :)

i think that's all the news i have for today. hopefully the boob will get better, and i will get through another chemo weekend- i'll have plenty of sleeping in on saturday, so that should help :) hooray!! no one better call us until after 11am!

sorry.

i'm behind again. it's tuesday, and i'm not sure i updated that i got my chemo last week... but i did, so that's good :)

had another great weekend- went to tosafest on friday night (the kids had a blast!), the farmers market saturday morning and kite fest after the market (such a gorgeous day on the lake shore!), bowling saturday night (holy cow, do i suck!), and the mt. mary art show on sunday (bought some *good* stuff!). busy, busy, busy! i felt really good again this weekend. i think i figured out the right way to take my meds and naps in order to live life fairly normally. of course poor kj probably wouldn't tell you i'm doing very well, since he has to pick up all of my slack, but i'm able to work, and still do normal things around sleeping, so i'm trying to be positive.

still holding on to the hair :) i was told today that it's getting "so long"! ha! not really long, but at least it covers my head. and people seem to think that it's a short haircut now, rather than growing back from chemo (if they don't know i was sick).

so, tomorrow i go for chemo again. that'll be number 6- half way! i'll try to do a better job of updating this week- plus i really want to show you some pics... it's been awhile, and i've got a lot of downloading to do :)

one last thing... i'm doing the Komen Race for the Cure next weekend. since so many people donated when i walked in the Making Strides walk in spring, i'm not doing a push for donations this time, but i will add a link to my fundraising page if you're interested in donating or walking with us! we'd love to see you :)

http://milwaukee.info-komen.org/site/TRC/RacefortheCure/MKE_MilwaukeeAffiliate?pg=peditor&fr_id=1210&px=5930939&JServSessionIdr002=7k9tzok3r3.app306b

i'll try to add it on the side of this page later, too... so you can come back to it if you're so inclined.

i'm so far behind!!

holy crap am i behind. this school starting thing has really done me in! let's start with last weekend...

i had an amazing weekend. i was really nervous because we had a whole lot planned, and i had no idea if i'd be too sick to take part. but i didn't have any pain at all! well, a *little* bit on friday night, and i was pretty darn tired, but other than that, i was fabulous! saturday we went to the farmer's market in the morning, then took izzy to the doctor because she chose to debut a cold friday night and i was afraid it was an ear infection (it wasn't- thank goodness). then we went to my dad's house in beaver dam for the afternoon/evening. izzy went on her first boat ride- she seemed to like it :) sunday i went to coffee with my cousin melissa who was in town for our family reunion, and then went to the reunion in oconomowoc inthe afternoon. we had a really nice time- lots of pics were taken of all of our girls. melissa, my cousin jake and i have 5 girls combined, and they share a great-great grandma. there will be a post of photos later tonight i hope :) on monday we had a neeskara playdate at a park in racine and then came home and had a little bbq with gil and heather. all in all, a great weekend. of course izzy was sick, and therefore a beast for most of it, and our fridge/freezer died and we lost a bunch of food (pa fixed it- love him!), but enough fun stuff happened to outweigh that :)

this week has been crazy again. tuesday i had my (last!) pt appt. thank goodness. i *loved* my therapist, but i am glad to be rid of one appt each week. i have full range of motion back, and i know what to do if i start to tighten up, so i've been freed. yesterday i had chemo, and it was an oncologist week, so i was there from 2:30 till 7:30. ugh. but, the good news is that my counts were up a bit this week and i was able to get my treatment. so 5 down, 7 to go! hooray!! i'm still holding onto all my hairs, but my oncologist thinks they'll be gone again by the next time i see him (oct. 7th). i told him he's wrong. i'm hoping to win that one! today, unfortunately, was a day from hell. i cannot even begin to tell you all of it. some of the highlights- i've been up since 2am thanks to my steroids and a 5 year old visitor in my bed. finally gave up and got out of bed at 4am. art was cancelled at school today, so i had an empty hour in my schedule that i had been planning to use to organize my afternoon that i now had to fill with learning activity and figure out my afternoon on the fly. ugh. at 3:15 i realized that kj and symma had haircuts at 4:30. picked symma up at camp to take her to said haircut at which point she threw a giant tantrum that required me to carry her kicking and screaming across the parking lot, and ended with her kicking and punching me repeatedly while screaming that she hates me and i'm the worst mommy in the whole world ever while i was attempting to pin her in the carseat and buckle her in. after dropping kj and symma at their haircut, i had to go pick izzy up at daycare, and it took me 25 minutes for a 10 minute trip. we didn't get home from the haircuts till 6. we did dinner and then baths which i'm not going to even begin to explain. the children are sleeping now. and i need a drink. or something. oh, and when i was up this morning i realized that spike was only walking on 3 of his feet. so i called the vet, but since i hadn't been home since 7am, he wanted me to go home and check on him first before we made an appt for tomorrow. he made his poor tech call me back after hours. she called just as i was walking in the door, and got to listen to me search the house for spike, only to discover that he's walking just fine. so, good news in the end, but stress i could've done without today. blurg.

there's a lot scheduled again for this weekend. we've got our first bowling night of the season on saturday night, sunday school starts up again on sunday, so we have to get back into that schedule, and the last art fair of the season in on sunday. anyone interested in going with me?

tomorrow's gotta be better than today, right? and i'm taking my ativan tonight, so i *better* sleep. maybe i'll take 2.

4 down...

8 to go. that means i'm 1/3 of the way :) hooray! next week we have to cross our fingers for high white blood counts though. apparently i barely made it this week. i have to have 1500/whatever they're measuring, and i had 1510. if i go below 1500 they can't give me chemo and i have to push everything back a week. and as far as i know there's not much to be done about it. except get the nuelasta shots again. let's hope i don't have to go that route, since the side effect of those shots is muscle/bone pain, and i've already got a corner on that market.

anyway, i made it through the first few days of school. tomorrow is friday- and payday- hooray! and the weekend has lots of fun in store :) so i'm refusing to be sick. but i will force myself to rest and try to grow white blood cells...

the big news today is that i got a haircut. not really a haircut- but a trim around my ears! so far, my hair has continued to grow, and hasn't started to fall out or thin that i can tell. i'm hoping this continues, but not expecting it to. i've heard stories of it falling out 8 weeks or more into treatment. and one of my friends lost all of her eyelashes/eyebrows 6 weeks after she had completely finished treatment! so i'm not going to consider myself out of the woods until thanksgiving...

i'm going to zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzjzpoldkhkf;..... whoops fell asleep on the keyboard. time for bed!! good night :)