updates

hello all :)

sorry i've been absent- i know you've all been eagerly awaiting the decision on my new boobs :)  i've decided to go with a double mastectomy.  when i went to support group last week *all* of the women there cemented my gut instinct.  i knew i wanted them both gone from the moment that i was diagnosed, but the surgeons all were so positive about the health of my "healthy" side that i started to waver.  in any event, all the women that have gone through it told me to get it done and not think twice about it.  many of them started out with a single or lumpectomy and have since gone back to get the double done for various reasons.  none of the reasons were recurrence, but it still makes sense to me to get rid of them both and start over from scratch.  as for the DIEP vs. the implants, i'm still not completely sure.  i'm leaning toward the implants since i have to start with them anyway.  everyone in my family circle would prefer me to do less surgery than more, and i'm certainly not a glutton for punishment, so unless something goes really weird with the implants i think i'll stick with them.  

as for our trip next summer, i'm leaning in the california direction.  my aunt peggy and mikaely sure have good things to say, so it sounds good to me :)

i went to a wedding this weekend:)  it was a lot of fun, and i managed to hang till 11 or so... not too bad, though i typically close weddings down!  kj and i got to dance, and i got to dance with my gf's so all was good in meredith land.  

i'm still fighting with nausea.  this round seems to be hanging on longer than the others.  it usually hits in the afternoon pretty hard.  right around the time i'm done teaching.  but, it could be a lot worse, so i'm trying not to feel sorry for myself.

here's some helpful information for everyone:  when you're fighting cancer, you really don't want to hear every story of someone that had cancer.  people seem to think that's helpful.  except that all the stories seem to end with "and then she/he died".  or they're still fighting it years later.  i don't want to still  be fighting it years later.  i want this to be it.  i want to go through this one terrible year, and then put it behind me.  i don't want my kids to only know me as a sick mom.  i don't want to sleep through their lives.  i don't want to fight cancer for the next 15 years and then die anyway.  and i'm tired of people telling me about who they know that has had cancer.  cuz they're all dead.  and i have enough of that evidence in my own family.  since i was diagnosed i've lost my gma and my uncle.  enough already.  i understand that it kills people.  i'm afraid it's going to kill me.  i'm taking it seriously.  i don't need to hear any more stories of people dying.  even if they end with "but that won't happen to you- you're so much younger"  or "you have such a good outlook, you'll be okay".  if you want to tell me about someone that fought, and is still alive, and healthy, and not still fighting recurrences, great, i'd love to hear it.  but for goodness sake, stop telling me about dead people.  and this isn't going to anyone personally- i promise- just the world in general.  like the lady in the supermarket that sees that i'm bald and feels the need to tell me all about her 10 year struggle with 3 different kinds of cancer.  i don't need to hear it.  

okay- enough yelling.  yesterday my izzaboo had her first haircut.  and i managed not to cry like  crazy person, though i really wanted to.  she was such a good girl!!  she had watched kj and symma get theirs cut first, so i guess she knew what she was supposed to do :)  she sat perfectly still and looked in the mirror the whole time.  she now has a little bob like symma (who gave up on long hair and has her little bob back, too!).  of course, since izzy won't keep a barrette in, she'll still be wearing her sprout.  but the back is all one length now instead of mullet-y.  both my girls look very cute.  and kj was a good boy in the chair, too, and has a nice spring haircut to show off :)  

my mom's bday is tomorrow- happy bday marme :)  and my friend melissa (from support group) is having surgery tomorrow- i'll be thinking about you, honey- good luck!!  it seems like spring might finally be here this week- i saw 70 degrees in the forecast more than once in the next week.  we'll see!  i know the lilacs are blooming, so that makes me happy :)  

also, i'm annoyed that my pictures are loaded in backwards order.  you understand that the cutting occurred before the cute "after" pics, though, right?? :)