top 10!!!

Holy Cow!!!  i thought it was really freaking awesome that our team was in 4th place in the city...  however, it just got even cooler!  i just happened to see *my* name in the top 10 list individual donation getters :)  how wonderful are all of you???  i had some *very* generous donations that helped get me there, so thanks go out especially to gil, dad and jill, uncle tom, and todd-  you guys make up nearly half of my donations.  i *really* appreciate it!!  

i really cannot get over how tired i am.  and i feel very guilty because the energy i do have tends to last until about 4pm- which means all of my energy is expended on my kids at school, rather than my family at home.  blurg.  i feel so fortunate to be able to be working throughout my treatment.  it's the only way we can keep our insurance, and we certainly need to keep both of our incomes, so i don't want to stay home.  not to mention the fact that i really do love my job, and my students.  and my whole goal with all of this is for my students to understand that cancer isn't a death sentence, and it doesn't have to be scary.  i just feel like kj and the girls are really getting the worst of this whole cancer thing.  especially since i'm not really *sick*.  if i were puking my guts out i would feel much less guilty.  instead i'm just tired and queasy and not really sick enough to warrant being a cruddy mom.  now, i am not looking for a bunch of comments about what a great mom i am or any other such hooey.  i'm just putting it out there that cancer is *way* harder on the family than the patient.  at least this kind of cancer.  i'm sure brain cancer, or a cancer that hurts, is a different story.

on the positive side, i cannot even find my own tumor anymore.  i can't wait till i go to the oncologist again to get it measured- that's not until the 6th, though, so i have to be patient.  i'm hoping at that point to also get some more info about surgery options- from the oncologist's point of view rather than the surgeon's.  and i meet with the plastic surgeon on the 11th so i'll know more about my surgery at that time, i guess...

i really, really, really want a string of warm weather.  like a whole week of 70 degrees.  so i could wear sandals and capris instead of sweaters and jeans.  which is odd because my favorite outfits in the world are my jeans and sweaters.  but i'd really like to be warm.  gotta love milwaukee :)  

thanks again for all of your generous donations.  i can't wait to see how it all ends up- there's still 4 days left :)  i hope i stay in the top 10!  and the forecast is for sun and 50 plus degrees, which is really good!  yay!   

tired, tired, tired

i learned this weekend that i can't quite behave like i used to. i spent all day saturday doing "something". nothing was especially taxing; a memorial service in the morning, old navy for the kids summer clothes in the afternoon, dinner with my dad and jill, and then bowling at night. i knew i shouldn't go bowling. but, alas, i went anyway, and boy did i pay for it yesterday. i was sooooo tired and queasy all day that i pretty much couldn't move from my spot on the couch. much facebooking was done, much television was watched, some work was done, but there was no movement. ugh. today, i am still so tired i could cry.

do to the exhaustion, i can come up with nothing witty to say. so instead, i'll be throwing out some thank you's: thanks to all of you that have continued to donate to my walk :) the walk is on saturday, so if you haven't donated, or joined yet, you still have time (the link is on the right side of the page). i have made it half way to my personal goal. the team, as a whole, is in 4th place!! the last time i checked we had raised over $2000.00. there have been some *very* generous donations made from people that my mom works with that don't even know me- it's quite amazing... my friends at work have been great, too- there's at least 5 of us walking from neeskara, and extra donations beyond that. not to mention all of the other friends and family that have donated either to the team or to myself. you guys are all fabulous- and i still have 5 days left to reach my goal :) yay!

we have had more dinners brought to us. it's so sweet- everyone is looking up vegetarian recipes, and being so nice. it's been really helpful for kj especially, since it means a night of not having to do dishes :) thanks so much to all of you that have brought meals: mrs. frank, aunt mary, julie, jill- love you!!

i continue to get cards in the mail from people that are just thinking of me- and i love it. it's so nice to get nice mail :) and to know that so many people are pulling for me. without all of your support, i know i wouldn't be doing as well as i am... so thank you to all of you that are reading this- because if you didn't care, you wouldn't be checking in :)

hopefully i'll be feeling more witty tomorrow- right now i need to go home and go to bed. except i have a bunch of work to do. ugh.

advanced directive

here's a fun way to spend an hour... i had my "advanced directive" done today. yepper- all set for something terrible to happen to me. i'm all about prepare for the worst, and then it won't happen :) for those of you that are curious, here's how it came about...

at some point in the early part of my diagnosis/dr's appts, someone asked me if i had an advanced directive that i wanted on file. i gave them a blank stare. huh? they said, "oh, then you probably don't have one. you may want to look into it." i promptly filed that information somewhere behind the "holy crap i have cancer" file in my brain. a week or so later my investment guy was in my school lounge (convenient, right? that's why he's my investment guy. i'm very picky.). he is also my life insurance guy, so the files in my head shifted around a bit, and since i have no money to talk about investing at the moment, "advanced directive" came popping to the forefront. i asked him what it was. he said he had never heard of it, but figured it had something to do with a will. he said he'd look into it for me.

a few days later he called and said that he hadn't found anything yet, but that he was still pretty sure it had to do with a will. i filed it back in that file in my brain. you know, the one behind "holy crap i have cancer".

i got a call from bob over break though. he's such a good guy. he was walking through his lobby at work and saw a sign at vitas advertising an "advanced directive clinic". he went in and talked to them and found out all about it and told them about me, blah, blah, blah. then he called me with all the info. such a nice guy. unfortunately, the thing was the very next day, and i had just had chemo and no sitter, etc... but i called the lady he talked to.

she said i didn't have to come in during the clinic to get it for free, and i made an appt, and went in tonight. they were totally nice, and very helpful, and so glad that i had come in. and it was free- not the couple hundred that bob figured a lawyer would charge me. sweet! now i don't have to worry about being on the news with a bad haircut, and a tube in my mouth, drooling, while my family argues about whether or not to take out my feeding tube. yay! it was fast and easy, and free, and you should all do it.

let's review: you should all a) check your boobies, b) get cancer insurance, and c) set up your advanced directive so your husband doesn't turn you off cuz you're a bitch, and your mom can't keep you alive when your a drooling doorknob because you're her baby. go on now- get started :) i mean it! and for those boys that are reading this, you don't have boobies, so you should go get your prostate checked. i'm equal opportunity here.

also- it's going to be warm tomorrow! yay! let's all take a walk- maybe hold hands, and sing a song, too. i love spring :) i'm wearing capris, and sandles tomorrow. even if it's 34 degrees when i leave for work! have a good friday- tgif :)

hat

this is one of my favorite hats.  i enjoy it muchly :)  jenna's mom is so wonderful that she took the two hats i bought and re-did the back of them so that they fit my freakishly small head perfectly.  she's awesome!!

bald=cold

omgness, i am so tired.  i told kj that i'm pretty sure my bones are asleep.  but i don't want to take a nap because i've been having a really hard time falling asleep the last few nights.  even with the meds they give me to help me sleep, it's taking an hour of laying in bed watching the clock before i can finally fall asleep.  so my plan tonight is to stay awake until i get the kids in bed, and then crash.  we'll see if that works or not.  

izzy's new favorite game is to steal my hat/scarf and rub my head.  then she typically puts it on her own head and lafs and lafs...  one of these times we'll have the camera handy and you'll get to see a really happy baby :)  

symma has started to dig on the bald head, too.  she keeps trying to get me to hang out w/o anything on my head.  the big egg kind of freaks poor kj out, though, so i try to keep it under wraps. 

here's a question:  How do bald men survive without constantly wearing a hat to stay warm??? if i were a bald man- and since i'm a bald woman i can say this with certainty, i would wear a sleeping cap.  i am currently sleeping in a winter hat with a gigantic peace sign on it from gil.  it keeps my bald head from freezing off in the night.  and i obviously always have a scarf or hat on it during the day.  i think bald men should be able to stay warm if they want to- hats for everyone- all the time.  it's time we get over the whole "disrespectful in the house/building" idea and let them be warm :)  and then there's the guys that shave their heads on purpose- don't they know how cold they'll be???  i talked to one of my bald boys at school today, and he just made fun of me.  seriously.  my head is cold.  i mean it. 

my mom is whooping my butt in the pledge department for our walk.  it's a bit embarrassing!  i put out my page at work today, though, so i'm hoping to catch up- look out lady, i'm on my way!!  missy sent out an email today that said Team Bon Jovi is in 12th place already, and only a few dollars away from being in the top 10!!  how awesome is that??  lotsa moola for research to fight this asinine disease.  yay!  i'm so glad that missy decided to start a team- and that my chemo schedule got pushed back a bit so i'll be healthy enough to walk in it :)  my friend jenna added a link to her blog, too, so we're in great shape!  thanks to all of you who have continued to donate and join our team :)  i can't wait to see you all there!

i'm going to try to take some pics today with the camera on the laptop... we'll see if it works.  if it does, you'll get a look at my favorite hat.  if it doesn't work, too bad for you, i guess ;)  

cancer insurance

i've got no news to share today... i'm still feeling pretty good.  i ran a bunch of errands yesterday with kj and the girls, and worked a couple of hours today on stuff for school tomorrow.  i can't believe spring break is over already! 

i wore my hair hat/wig to church this morning, and no one looked at me like a crazy person.  i actually got complimented on my "new haircut".  symma laughed, and stage whispered "she said she likes your haircut, but really it's a wig, momma."  thanks symma- you're the best.  i must admit it wasn't nearly as annoying now that i shaved all my stubble off.  my head's smooth as amy pohler's baby's now...  if you haven't seen his picture, you should- he's cute.  he's got a giant bald head :)  

here's my psa for the day:  there's something out there called cancer insurance.  apparently you can get it through aflac.  a woman in the support group said she had it at the time that she was diagnosed, and they paid her on the days that she was in the hospital, and for tests and stuff. she made fun of her hubby when he added it to their policy, but said it was the best thing he could have done.  i'm planning to look into it.  i obviously wouldn't qualify, but kj and the girls would, and as i've learned, you just never know.  so, consider looking into it.  if you don't have good insurance, cancer will break you.  the tests to diagnose you and decide on a treatment path alone are 10's of thousands of dollars.  and then chemo.  and surgery.  and radiation.  and therapy.  and everything else.  so check into at work and if you can't get it through work, call aflac.  i'm sure they'd love to have you :)  thankfully i have really good insurance, and as long as i can keep working, it will keep covering me! 

i'd like to sign off with a big thank you to dan and tanya, and charlie and diane :)  they all donated generously to my walk- you guys are awesome- thanks so much!!  and deyana and her family joined our team, which is also fabulous!!  i've added a link to our team page to the side bar, so if you want to join/donate, you can find it there :)  let's hope for good weather...   

bald showers

i discovered the most amazing thing last night...  i can now stand in an extremely hot shower with water beating on my head for as long as i want to, and my hair will never get all nasty and snarly!! i *love* hot showers.  really hot showers.  and as far as i'm concerned, snarly hair is the only downfall to a looooong hot shower.  for some reason, it has taken me two weeks of baldness to realize that my hair will not get nasty if i stand under the water for like, 3 days.  and if it dries out my head, i can just slather lotion on.  how fabulous is that????  love it.  may stay bald for life.

last night i went to a support group for bc survivors.  i was the only one there that was still in chemo, but there were a couple of other woman that have finished chemo and are getting radiation, and then a few that are "on the other side".  it was nice to talk to other people with the same issues.  i look forward to talking to them again next month when i'll be closer to making surgery decisions.  the best thing is that i finally met someone else who is triple negative :)  it's good to not be the only one!  and she's big into research, and has found some vaccine trials going on.  i don't know much about it, but will be very interested to read about what's coming up for us!  

today i woke up feeling like a real person :)  it was wonderful.  i called missy and we took the kiddos to the park- yes- i took the girls to the park!  symma wanted me to take them on the bike, but i told her that was still way out of my league.  so we drove, but we played, and climbed, and rode the slides, and had a blast.  yay!!  then misty met us at the park, and we went to noodles for lunch and ate *outside*!!  i'm so glad that the stars aligned, and i felt healthy on a *nice* day!  i've been on spring break all week, and this is the first "fun" day i've had.  oh well, there's always next year!  and i did get to go to julie's for a playdate yesterday which was awesome, so it certainly hasn't been all bad.  

here's the question of the day- last night, all the ladies at the support group have dumped *all* of their plastic containers/plates/cups/etc...  thoughts?  comments?  suggestions?  i'm thinking about buying stock in pyrex containers and dumping all of the plastic...  but what shall i do about sippy cups?  i can't see izzy using a glass, yet...  

here's to another good day in the neighborhood tomorrow :)  

here are the wig pics...  i know you've all been waiting for them :)  these pics don't make it look nearly as bad as it feels.  it's really itchy.  we'll see how much wear it gets in the next months.  i must say, the weirdest part about it is that everyone that knows me, knows it's a wig...  so i kind of feel like there's no point.  the only time i can really see wearing it is if i'm going to be around a bunch of people that don't know i have cancer.  then maybe it won't feel so odd.  but i just feel like i'm wearing a really dumb hat.  the scarves/hats are much more comfy.  but, it's here if i need it, so that's good :)

i've been pretty out of it for the past couple of days- lots of sleeping and nausea.  but i'm feeling a bit better today.  yesterday amy came over and took my kids for a few hours so i could rest and then i went to get the neulasta shot that helps my white blood cells grow so my counts don't drop so low this time.  so far i haven't had any side effects from that, so that's nice :)  

today i took the kids for a walk around the block.  you wanna see a mad toddler?  put her in a hat with a strap *and* a harness.  she was soooo mad that i ended up carrying her around the block.  not the best choice.  i was so tired when i got home i thought i might pass out for a minute.  but i called my sister, ate a handful of soynuts, and drank a glass of water.  by the time lindz was on her way i was feeling a bit more human.  i was able to make the girls their lunches and feed them (for the most part) by the time she got here, and then i crashed for a couple of hours.  when i woke up, i continued to rest by reading some more of new dawn.  i'm almost done with it already...  man those are some good books :)  

as i mentioned in a previous post, missy started a team for a breast cancer walk in may which i think is so awesome.  she's really pumped and has gotten lots of donations at work and on her site.  yay!  i'll be walking- i should be feeling pretty good that day- and so will kj and the girls.  we'd love to have you with us.  if you walk with us, it's really easy to start your own page to get donations.  or you can just walk to support us :)  here is the link to our team, if you'd like to join... and here is the link to my fundraising page.  

hope you all had a nice easter :)  i managed to get to both of our scheduled appearances, and only slept through one of them...  a success!  my girls stayed over at my mom's last night and all day today which was very helpful.  unfortunately my mom has the flu now.  ugh.  i feel like crap today.  

i went to get my second dose in round 2 today.  i felt so awful that i they gave me some fluids to help perk me up.  i ended up there from 12:30-3:30pm.  not quite the way i thought i'd spend my whole afternoon, but i did feel a bit better when i left. i'm not feeling so great right now, though.  hopefully tomorrow will be a better day!  

i have pictures of me in the wig, now, but i'm having trouble getting them on here...  my mac skills are not up to my pc skills, yet.  but i'll get it sooner or later- i promise! 

i had my 2nd round of chemo today :) yay! 2 down, 2 to go... my stomach is bothering me, so i'm afraid i may have a touch of izzy's flu, which will only make my next few days even more entertaining, i'm sure.

my dad is taking the girls tomorrow, and my sister is coming over to teach me how to use her laptop, so i will get new pics up tomorrow...

i have to say, i have amazing friends and family. my mom took off of work on wednesday to hang out with my puking/pooping daughter. amy watched the poop monster yesterday. my sister and erik watched both girls today while i was at the hospital. what was supposed to go from 9:30am till around 1pm, ended up going till after 3pm. and none of them complained. they all got pooped on, and gave baths, and played and fed the kids, and no one complained about my messy house. they're unbelievable, and i love them all for it.

my wonderful friend julie made us dinner again on wednesday night- taco salad :) yum! and she and her little one made me bday cookies which the entire family has been enjoying. julie has said she's going to make us dinner every wednesday night while i go through this, and while i certainly won't hold her to it, it sure has been nice. it's one night kj doesn't have to come up with a plan and wash a bajillion dishes. and julie's a good cook, so it's yummy :)

my uncle tom sent me an amazing bouquet of flowers. pictures of that will come tomorrow, too. i've never had flowers delivered to me before (and i was sleeping when the last bouquet came) so i was quite tickled :) and they're gorgeous!

my aunt laurie and uncle larry sent me an amazingly generous check. i'm still working on processing that one... i can't even fathom how much everyone wants to help us. and i don't even know what else i can say about it. except thank you so very, very much- it will be a huge help. and the rest of you should keep your wallets closed!! this is a thank you to them- not a telethon announcement:)

one of my best friends, missy, has started a team in my honor to walk in the breast cancer walk on may 2nd on our lakefront. she has named her team Team Bon Jovi. HA!! this is why i love her :) i will post a link to her site as soon as i figure out how...

so to all of you out there, i love you and i appreciate you, and you are wonderful :) thank you!!

ugh. i didn't get to have chemo yesterday, because my blood count was too low. so, i'm going back in for labs again tomorrow, and if the numbers are up i'll be able to have it then. we'll see!

good news, though- my brca test came back negative :) that means that i don't have the genetic mutation that would raise my girls' and lindsay's and my mom's risk to somewhere between 50-80%!! it also means that all of our risk of ovarian cancer remains at that of a "typical" person. for me, it means i don't have to have a double mastectomy and hysterectomy. i *can* do the double mastectomy if i choose to, but i don't have to.

the other good news that i got yesterday is that my tumor has started to shrink!! yay!! my oncologist originally measured it (by hand- which is different then when they use mri, etc) at 4cmx4cm. yesterday he measured it as 2.5cmx3cm!! kj and i thought that if felt smaller, but were afraid it was wishful thinking... now we know the chemo's working- and after only one treatment! dr. charlson said that that doesn't always happen so i should be very happy.

i also picked up my wig yesterday. good gravy. i look like a freaking tootsie pop with it on. amy came with me- i should have her post about the experience- she would be a bit more positive, perhaps. she says it looks good, but i think she's crazy. i bought it because my insurance covers it, and i can wear it if i "need" to, but i don't think most of you will be seeing it live and in color. i'll post pics this weekend, though, i promise. it's reedonkulous. for now, just picture a giant guinea pig (about the color of my samuel for those of you that knew him) perched on top of my head. possibly squirming to be set free...

izzy still has the stomach flu. only it has moved down her digestive track. she's exploded on poor amy twice today already. it's good to have friends that love me enough to use a vacation day to let my baby poop on them. my mom got some of it yesterday, too. lucky ducks. i'm trying to stay away from the cannon in hopes of not catching it myself and making my counts go even lower.

so, hopefully i'll have chemo tomorrow. hopefully my sister will do a photo shoot of me with my wig and some of my hats and scarves. i love kj, but the man can't take a picture of me to save himself. i'm not sure why, but i always end up with 3 chins when he takes them. perhaps it has to do with his height. or my vanity... not sure which. in any event, keep watching, you never know when the guinea pig pictures will appear :)

when i walked in the house from work tonight my cell phone was ringing. i missed it. but it was kj, so i called him back. and found out that izzy had puked *all* over herself and the carseat, and he was stuck in traffic. both izzy and symma were crying, and symma was curled up in a ball in her seat as far away from izzy as she could get. he told me he needed "some things. i don't know what things, but i need some things." poor guy. so i met him at the door with wet paper towels and plastic bags, got symma watching a show, and gave izzy a bath while kj cleaned up the car/clothes, etc... then she puked again during dinner, so i guess she's sick. great. poor kj- i have chemo tomorrow, and izzy has a stomach bug. please cross your fingers that symma doesn't get it. and that kj and i don't get it. ugh.

other than that, all is well today :) my favorite things about today:

1. jenna and michelle got me a massage for my bday- along with a pink tank top and a gigantic hello kitty card. love them :) it's good to have good friends!!
2. magan told me i have "spunk in my trunk". it made me laugh. really hard. so, thanks magan!

for all of you that were having trouble posting comments, jenna changed the format (or something like that) so you shouldn't have any troubles, now :)

tomorrow's a chemo day. if it goes like last time, i'll feel pretty good till saturday when i'll start the great sleep-in till monday, then feel like crap and then start feeling better around tuesday or so... i'll try to keep posting- lindz is bringing a laptop over for me to use on friday, so i can play on the net while in bed. she rocks :) i may go try on the wig on thursday- keep watching for those pics!

i wore a hat to work today. my kids didn't dig on it too much. they all want me to get a wig. we'll see how that goes. here was the best part of my day. sitting at the guided reading table working with 3 of my kids, one of my girls tells me i have a hair in my ear. so i try to wipe it away. here's how it went:

me: did i get it?
her: no.
me: now?
her: no.
me: how bout now?
her: not yet.
me: is it *still* there?
her: let me get it for you.

and that's when i just had to laugh and hug her. cuz my kids- yes my students- are picking hair out of my ears. that's what i have come to... and then one of the boys climbed across the table to clear out my other ear. so i must be doing something right, right?

here's a question i have... people keep telling me how brave i am. what exactly is the other option? i've never heard of or seen anyone do anything but what i'm doing. you keep on keeping on... but please don't think that i'm not a little bit terrified at all times... that i'm not looking at my girls and wondering if they'll remember me... but that's only a little bit. just please don't put me on too high of a pedestal with all this bravery stuff, because i promise you- i cry, and i worry, and don't feel too brave a lot of the time.

but, i had a good day- and i gave both my girls a bath. and izzy tinkled in the water and then tried to drink it, and then she learned how to scoop water and pour it on her head, so life goes on, and i get to forget i'm sick for awhile, and it's wonderful :) and tomorrow's another day...

i am sooooooo tired. i had a fabulous bday weekend, and now i'm going to crash on the couch with my hubby for a bit before going to bed. thanks for all the happy bday wishes :)

lindz and erik made us a yummy dinner- fajitas and all the extras that go along with that... and then lindz made pumpkin/choc. chip muffins for dessert. yum! and i got lotsa good presents and cash to spend. yay!

i'm not looking forward to another work week, but at least it's only 4 days till break. unfortunately i get chemo again on wednesday, so i'll be sick for a chunk of my off time, but that's okay- at least i won't have to use sick time :)

so i made it awake long enough to go bowling last night :) yay!! kj and i also went out to dinner for my bday which was fabulous. we went to that's amore... love it! i actually stepped out of my box and didn't have angel hair and plain sauce- believe it or not! it was so good to be out amongst people- i'm glad i was able to nap during the day so that i could do it. and today, i get to go to my sister's house and have bday dinner and cupcakes. yum!! and of course there will be presents. because i am a whore for presents. presents make me very happy. gil got me a bunch of presents already- he got me 2 new cd's, and season 1 of 30 rock, and a peace t-shirt, and a super obnoxious and awesome peace hat. of course my freakishly small head is too small, so michelle and jenna are going to get hit up for some sewing help come monday ;) aren't you guys glad you're stuck with me?

this morning kj and the girls brought me breakfast in bed- bagels and a gigantic chai. which symma was very careful to report had "no foam". which is just how i always order it :) i also introduced her to the birthday "rule" that if she's mean or sassy to someone on their birthday it means less presents for her on *her* bday. we'll see if that holds an weight or not as the day goes on... i'm not holding my breath!

kj took the girls to church, and i'm supposed to be doing my taxes right now. i don't wanna. but in the middle of the night it hit me that if it's my bday, then that means taxes are due in 10 days. sucks to be me. the good news is that izzy was born in january, so we get an extra deduction this year :) ugh. wish me luck...

i got my head shaved yesterday :) it doesn't actually look too bad! my friend jen shaved it, and amy came along with me. then amy and i went to small stones (the cancer store) and looked at scarves and hats. i bought a couple of super cute hats, and have about 5 scarves now, so i think i'm set for the time being. my wig won't be in till tuesday, but i'm not sure i want one now that i see my head. feel free to chime in on whether you think i should wear one, or not :)

after my afternoon of baldness, i went to my grandparents to celebrate my birthday with my dad's side of the family. they made me yummy mac n cheese and bday cake. and they got me a jewelery chest, which i have wanted for years!! so sweet :) and it's beautiful and matches our bedroom furniture. i'm very excited to move my stuff into it...

hoping to shave my head tonight. it actually hurts to have your hair fall out. it's odd- like you can feel them breaking free from the follicle or something. so i have a headache and i want them all gone now. plus, i'm shedding worse than a black lab in summer. you should see the shower. ugh. gross. so, i'm stalking down my stylist in hopes of getting shaved. if not today, then my boss said i can leave work early tomorrow to take care of it :)