still cancer free!!

i got my results, and all is well :) hooooraaay! you may remember from back in february that there were some nodules on my lungs they were "keeping an eye on". these nodules have not changed, so that means that they are scar tissue, not cancer. yay! they were also watching my bones for any changes from the scans i had in june. i still have the abnormalities, but they have remained stable, so they aren't cancerous either. double yay!

yesterday i received confirmation that i received a scholarship that will cover my travel and lodging for the Young Survivors Coalition Annual Conference in atlanta :) i'm really excited! i'll be going with about 5 girls from my support group, which will be a lot of fun. i'll be leaving on friday february 26, and returning on sunday the 28th. i was diagnosed with cancer on february 27th last year, and i think that this will be a great way to spend the anniversary- learning all of the newest information out there on beating it (and keeping it away)!

it's been awhile...

so sorry! i've gotten some complaints, so here i am :) plus, i'm home sick (cold/flu), so i have time to write...

everything has been going really well! i've got what i think is a "normal" amount of energy back, so that has been really helpful in my day-to-day life. i was able to get a lot of my christmas shopping done before this stupid cold/flu thing took me down on sunday night. now i'm getting a bit nervous... the holiday is creeping closer- we don't have our tree up, i haven't wrapped a single gift, i haven't done our cards, and i'm not finished shopping. but, i have a really hard time worrying about it... i'm healthy, which is so much better than it could be :)

we lost my aunt mona last week... she had breast cancer a few years ago, and was diagnosed with a brain tumor a couple of months ago. she'd been experiencing seizures and communication difficulties for the past 18 months or so, and since the brain tumor diagnosis went down hill pretty fast. i know that she's very happy to be reunited with her hubby, and happy to be done suffering. the fact that it was most likely metastasized breast cancer has been a bit difficult for me to deal with, but i know that she had a different kind of cancer than i did, and different treatments.

this weekend i got to make cookies with my family- cookie day is my favorite day of the year, and i can't tell you how happy i was to be healthy enough to be there :) it's one of those things that i didn't realize exactly how important it was to me until this year. i always looked forward to it, but this year i really realized how special it is... we make cut-outs at my dad and jill's with my cousin kate and her girls and my cousin adam and his wife michelle, and my aunt mary and uncle dan. and this year we had a special new addition- adam and michelle had a little boy 3 weeks ago- his name is noah and he's beautiful. he was an angel all day, and let everyone pass him around. and my nieces are so big (lydia is 12- she was our 2 year old flower girl in our wedding if you remember that, and pj is 10)- i can never get over it when i see them. they are old enough to take care of my little ones, and they all played together so well. it was perfect. i'm really hoping that i didn't infect everyone with my cold... i swear i didn't have any symptoms until about 6pm on sunday, and then it was just a bit of a scratchy throat. of course, by 9pm i knew i was really going to get hit hard, but by then it was too late. i hope i kept my germs to myself!!

yesterday i had my post chemo blood work and ct scan. this is to set up a new baseline. i'm not expecting any surprises, but it's making me very nervous. i'm supposed to go to the oncologist today to get my results, but i'm too sick to be around cancer patients, so i'm waiting on a phone call now. i'll let you know when i hear from him!

i have gotten so many wonderful gifts since finishing chemo:

cousin beth sent us a check to pay for our continued cleaning help- so, so generous!!

lindz and erik gave me a beautiful necklace- so pretty!

my friend kate gave me a book and a magnet to help continue to encourage me in my fight :)

we've had many dinners continue to come in which is so sweet. i'm feeling guilty about them now, since i'm feeling good, but people still want to help, which i can't ignore!

i've also gotten countless cups of chai and pumpkin spice lattes :) people know what i love!

thanks so much to all of you for all of your support and love throughout all of this! i'm so glad to be done, and while i'm not very good at keeping this up when i'm healthy, please know that it's because i'm busy, and active! which is a *good* thing :)

ALL DONE!!!!!

yep, you read that right- i'm *done*!! just got home from my *last chemo ever*!!! yay!! my blood work looked really good today- heather said it was almost "normal". i take that to mean normal for regular people :) now i have to get through one last cruddy weekend, and i'm on to bigger and better from there on out. i'm done with this cancer stuff :) hooray!!

maybe this can become a regular blog. where i keep you abreast (since i only have one!) of all the regular old normal stuff going on in the polewski house. we'll see how that goes. i'll try :) of course, if no one's reading, then i probably will go on hiatus for a while.

in any event, they say i should be feeling pretty much back to precancer status in about 2 months. and my next surgery will be scheduled for some time in january. all is well in the world!!

11 down!

sorry i didn't get on earlier in the week... i got my 11th chemo on wednesday! yay! only one more to go :)

i met with my oncologist this week before treatment. we talked about my "after care" program. basically, i will see him every 3 months for the first couple of years. they will do blood work at each appt. if i have any concerns, pain, lumps, or bumps at any time, he'll address those. i'll have some post-chemo "baseline" scans done in december. at that point they'll be looking at the nodules i've had in my lungs all along (that they are *not* concerned about, at all, unless they would change), and the "weird" spots in my bone marrow they were looking at in june. they aren't anticipating any problems with any of this stuff, just want to keep an eye on my insides :)

i see dr. h again on monday (plastic surgeon). my onc says that as far as *he's* concerned i can have my next surgery 3-4 weeks after chemo. that would put it right before xmas, which does not sound like a good time to me. but i am hoping to try and get something scheduled in january. we'll see how that goes :)

as for how i'm doing, well, i'm tired. really, really tired. all the time. my oncologist and his staff insist that this is normal, and that i should rest. so i'm trying. it should all start getting better soon, and within a couple months i should be back to "normal". whatever that feels like!

number 10

is done!! hooray :) i'm feeling pretty good today, though it's 2o to 7pm and i'm still at school. stoopid report cards. hate them. anyway, chemo went well. my blood counts are low, but just barely *over* the limit, so no problems :) i've gotten my flu vaccine, and will be getting my h1n1 tomorrow. anyone have any opionions that they'd like to share about getting h1n1 for my girls? it makes me nervous to have to sign a waiver that (as i understand, but have not yet read myself) clears the makers of any responsibility if the vaccine is later found to cause problems... please weigh in!!

i'm going home now. gotta help put the kids in bed, and then crash on the couch for an hour before i give up and go to sleep myself!

3/4 done :)

got number 9 yesterday :) yay! not much else to report... but i'm glad that i have another one under my belt. have a busy, busy weekend planned- let's hope i can stay awake for it! thanks for all your good thoughts yesterday- they helped!

xoxox to all of you :)

tomorrow...

should be number 9 :) keep your fingers crossed... i didn't end up having the neulasta shot, so i'm nervous about my blood counts, but we'll see.

i'm finally done with my antibiotics. i took my last one on monday. so, if i'm still infection free next thursday, i'm in the clear. yay! i haven't had any redness or pain since i left the hospital, and my incision is healing nicely, so i'm not too worried.

i had a good weekend- very little pain. i'm still really sleepy, and took a lot of naps, but i felt good when i was awake. my dad and jill took both girls from 4pm on saturday till 5pm on sunday. it was wonderful. kj and i slept in on sunday and then went to brunch together. then we lazed around on the couch watching football and doing schoolwork/laundry/dishes for the rest of the day. i also managed to get my garden pulled out and dragged down to the curb. all in all, a great day :)

i'm realllly tired. i've been coming home from work, eating dinner, and then resting in my room till the girls get ready for bed. then i help with their bedtime, and sit on the couch and watch tv till i go to bed. i'm not very helpful for poor kj.

the good news is that (after being fired by our last one) we have found a new cleaning person :) she's coming this friday for a walk-through, and then will begin cleaning next week. hooray!!! kj and i have always had trouble in the housekeeping dept, and now it is the absolute *last* thing i want to spend any amt of energy on. and kj just can't keep up. so, we're going to try having her come in every other week until christmas, and then we'll see how i feel after that. of course if kj gets laid off we'll have to change that plan. but i'm not thinking about that right now! he's been working solid for awhile, now, and i'm hoping he makes it through till at least january. fingers crossed :)

i'll let you all know how it goes tomorrow- hoping for lots of white blood cell production tonight- do you think peanut butter m&m's help make them? cuz if so, i'll have a *ton*! maybe even extras :)

2/3 done :)

had chemo number 8 yesterday :) hooray! had a hoooooorible night of sleep, though. for some reason, it felt like there were bugs crawling up and down my spinal cord. like i would assume restless leg syndrome feels like, only in my back. gross. and frustrating. and that was *with* my sleeping meds. ugh. after about 2 hours i was finally able to fall asleep on the couch. i'm so glad i was able to get chemo though that i don't mind too much.

my white counts were a bit low yesterday. they actually had to separate and count them out by hand to make sure my nuetrafils (sp?) were high enough. i guess those are the important 0nes
for chemo. i may be getting a neulasta shot to help boost the cells.

i had them check to see if i was anemic and i'm not... but no one is surprised by how tired i am. i did get a nap in while i was getting treatment, so that helped some :)

hoping for the steroids and sleeping meds and chemo to play together nicely tonight so that i can sleep... we'll see how it goes :)

the stuff of fancy...

i want to be rich. so rich that i can have a massage whenever i want one. so rich that the massage will take place at my house so that i don't have to get dressed and drive home. so rich that i would be able to sleep after my massage, or put on my robe and go lay by my pool until someone brings me something to drink, or read, or whatever else i want to do.

barring that, i'd like to have enough motivation and energy that i bound out of bed each morning at 5:20am ready to face my day. i want to spend the day teaching engaging lessons to children that love learning. and at the end of the day, i want to come rushing home to play with my amazing children w/o ever sitting down on the couch or in front of the computer. i want to cook my hubby dinner a couple of times a week so that he isn't the only one feeding everyone. and then, i want to tuck my joyful little bundles into bed, and have enough energy left over to clean my house, and do our laundry, and then sit down with my hubby to watch a show.

just thought i'd share :)

7 down!!!

i got my chemo yesterday :) hooray! 5 left till i'm finished. so, if there are no further complications, i should get my last one on november 18th. i see my oncologist again on the 11th. feeling really good today, which is a good thing because i have parent/teacher conferences till 9pm. then i'm off tomorrow with my girls. we're going to get an emissions test- jealous, aren't you???

things that i learned/had reconfirmed with dr. c yesterday:
1. the random muscle pain i have been having is most likely related to the surgery. any pain that would be a red flag for metastisis would stay in one spot and get worse over time, not better.

1a. i've also been veeeery tired, which has been frustrating. i keep thinking that since i haven't had chemo for a month, and my surgery was 3 weeks ago i should be feeling better. dr. c says that i am right on track. it will probably take 3-4 months to get back to "normal" after completing chemo. and in the world of surgery, 3 weeks apparently isn't all that long. he told me to lighten up on myself considering i'm also working full time and have 2 small kids. so, i guess i'll try to stop feeling so guilty/useless.

2. we will do a "baseline" scan at the end of chemo. not sure if it will be a ct, or a bone scan, or what. perhaps it will be a combination of a few scans to make sure we have a good picture of everything. we're still keeping the wierd bone issue from june in the back of our minds, as well as some small nodules in my lungs that they saw in the very beginning, but have never changed.

3. they have checked with everyone they need to check with, and will begin giving my name/email to newly diagnosed women under 40 so that i can get them right into my support group, and help them navigate the early decisions that need to be made when you're still in a fog :) yay! i think that will be a really good way for me to pay forward all of the support i've had through this :)

4. my type of cancer tends to recurr earlier, rather than later. dr. c says that at 3 years we can start to relax a bit. he feels we'll get there :) my remission date will be July 15, 2110. that is one year from my mastectomies- which was when they took the cancer out, and i was considered "cancer free". you are considered "in remission" one year from when no new cancer has formed.

5. everything looks good now as far as the infection goes :) he's checking on getting me another week's worth of antibiotics to "make sure" but is very happy with the way my incision looks. he also checks my lymph nodes, lungs, and abdomen every time i go in.

so, all is going well. i'm tired, but the steroids should keep me zipping till some time tomorrow... i'm hoping for a good weekend :0) we have plans on friday evening, saturday evening, and sunday afternoon. busy, busy, busy. too busy to be sick!!

no news

i've really got nothing to report, but thought i'd fill you in anyway :) i went to dr. h yesterday, and he did take out my stitches. i don't have to go back to him until after chemo now, unless something flares up somewhere on my other boob, or my incision. not sure about the antibiotics, yet. my current prescription is finished on friday, and i forgot to ask dr. h about it.

tomorrow i go in at 2:30pm to get my labs drawn. then i go up to dr. c to find out if i can have chemo or not. i'm *really* hoping i can get started again. i want to finish this. i'll ask him about the antibiotics. i'm also hoping he'll have some fabulous explanation for why i've been *so* tired since surgery. i haven't bounced back at all. i feel just as worn out as i did when i was getting chemo, and i've been off of it for 3 weeks. i feel like i should feel better than i do. so we'll see if they've got an answer for me.

i've got some thank you's to put out there :) dawn brought us dinner last week- thanks so much!! and michelle and tracy made us dinner this week- tracy made us stuffed peppers, and michelle made us homemade mac-n-cheese. all i can say is *yum*. and thank you so much for helping us out. when i got to work today there was a hello kitty bag in my mailbox. inside the bag was a card from some of my friends; joanne, a.j., and lisa. they had a rummage sale this summer to benefit breast cancer (a.j. is a survivor!) and they decided that they wanted to give some of the proceeds to me- for my benefit :) soooo nice. i can't get over it- it rendered me speechless. which says a lot, you know!

my dad and jill lost their 18 year old kitty today- she had a tumor in her urethra. please send them some good thoughts and big hugs. they could use them!

i'll let you know how it goes tomorrow... here's hoping for chemo!

saturday

not much is new here, just continuing to heal and take antibiotics. i go to dr. h on monday to get my stitches out and decide if i need to continue on 3 more weeks of antibiotics or not. then i go on wednesday for lab work to see if i can have chemo or not. i'll meet with dr. c that day, too. i'm really hoping to start chemo again. i'm ready to be done with all this crap.

my hair has been thinning out, but i still have enough that i don't need to wear a hat or shave my head, so that's good. i'm going on monday to get a trim- around my ears and my neck. i'm trying not to get too attached to it, but losing it again will really suck. i'm guessing when i start chemo up again, it will fall out. or at least thin to the point that i need to shave it. blurg.

i'm really getting nervous about staying healthy and avoiding swine flu, and all the upper respiratory crap that seems to be going around already. if i get sick, then they can't give me my treatments. so i'm trying to avoid all that. and i'm planning to get the vaccines. though i'm not sure if i'll be able to if i'm still on antibiotics. we'll have to see, i guess...

saturday

i have continued to heal well. i'm getting less tired, and feeling pretty good :) i went to see dr. h on thursday, and he said everything looks great- and he took out my drain!! hooray- drain free once again. he also wrote my prescription for my fake boob. he said that i need to stay on my antibiotics for at least 2 more weeks. i can start chemo again the week of the 12th (yay!). at that point dr. h and dr. c (my oncologist) will decide if i need 3 more weeks of antibiotics or not. dr. h said that i *may* not have to wait soooo long after chemo to start my surgery, but he wants to cross that bridge when we come to it. i asked how we'd know when i'm infection free, and he said that when i am off the antibiotics for 10 days and nothing flares up i'll be in the clear.

i went to Kneuppel's today for my new boob. i find it hysterical that that's their name. now, i realize that they sell lots of other equipment, but really, if you're selling boobs, should that be your name??? i love it. anyway, i'm even again for the time being :) that's cool.

i'm going shopping today with lindz. i have to get an outfit for a baby shower tomorrow. i've gained so much weight that nothing fits me. blurg. i really need to stop eating...

so, onto thank you's! my friends are sooo awesome at work. they have organized a weekly dinner sign up for us, so my co-workers are making us dinner on thursday's. so nice! tracy made us pasta and erika made us a chili dinner, and erika's mom added a big bag from breadsmith filled with yummy rolls and pumpkin bread :)

thanks so much for all of your good thoughts and vibes. i'm feeling much better!

:)

i've made it through a couple days of teaching, and while i think that i may be slightly crazy for teaching while there is a drain dangling out of me, i'm feeling good :) i go to dr. h tomorrow, and i'm really hoping that he'll pull the drain at that point.

missed my second round of chemo today. i'm very frustrated. i'm really hoping to not have to miss too many more. in my perfect world, i'll start chemo again in mid-october, be finished by the end of november, and start my surgeries again in february.

keep your fingers crossed for losing my drain tomorrow! and i also get to get a prescription written for a prosthetic boob. so hopefully i'll look even again soon. it's pretty freakish to have one flat side in all of my clothes. ugh.

done

okay, i'm done being pathetic, i think :) thank you all so much for your support- it truly does help to know you're all out there! i'm starting to feel better, i promise. i'm going to use these couple of weeks off of chemo to try and get my eating under control, and maybe lose a few pounds. i'm going to spend tomorrow focussing on the good stuff- and catching up on some of the chores that i'm behind on so i don't feel so overwhelmed. i did the walk today, and aside from being tired, i feel really good. so, i know i can keep on keeping on. i updated my flickr page, so there are pics there to be seen if you're interested :)

oh! and my beautiful friend julie brought me sunflowers, cupcakes, and cards- including one from malachy. such a nice surprise- made me smile :) and gil brought me chocolates, and a gift card to old navy so i can buy a new sweater for fall :) sweet! and i've gotten lots of cards in the mail... so thank you again for thinking of me, everyone!!

just in case you were wondering- the colts are up 31-10 in the 4th... GO COLTS!!!

ugh

i'm having a really hard time shaking this whole thing off. i took my first shower since surgery last night, and got to really see what i look like in the mirror. it's horrible. i have one super cute boob, and one terrible, wrinkly, purple, concave nasty looking mangle of skin. i mean the incision itself is well-done- dr. h did his job perfectly, it's just that what he had to leave behind is terrible. and i have to live with it like this for a long time.

now i know you're all thinking that i should be really glad that it's only temporary, and that there are lots of women out there that are stuck with this forever. and i also know that i should be counting my lucky stars that what we're dealing with here is an infection of my boob. not more cancer and not in a vital organ. it's something i don't need to survive. and i have a husband already, so it really doesn't matter what i look like. and the rational part of my mind knows all that stuff.

the emotional part of my mind howeever, and my heart, says that the rational part should just f*%$ off. because this sucks. bad. and for some reason the fact that this is all happening because i had *cancer* is just starting to hit me. this could be the rest of my life- i could be dealing with infections and recurrences and chemo and blah, blah, blah forever. which is not what you guys want to hear, and it's not particularly what i want to feel, but it's the truth. and the truth sucks. and i'm really sad about it and not sure what to do.

yes, i should go talk to dr. anderson, and get therapized... and yes, i'm taking my meds... yes, i should focus on the good, because there's plenty of that. and i'm really trying. i promise. but this whole boob thing is really hard to shake off. and i'm not sure why. plus, i've managed to convince myself that every little ache and pain is the infection spreading, so i'm driving myself crazy with that. i'm hoping that going back to work on tuesday will help me focus on something else. you'd think that being home from the hospital, and back with my family would have done that for me, but apparently i need work, too.

there has been good stuff this week, though... our friends nick and nicole sent me beautiful flowers :) and so did my uncle larry and aunt laurie- soooo pretty! my grandpa made me snickerdoodle cookies from scratch using one of my grandma seeger's recipes. they're totally yummy :) and dad and jill brought me chai to the hospital on friday! kj and the girls and i went to the zoo this morning for a little while, which was fun :) we took lots of pictures in the "wings to the world" exhibit, so i'll post some soon. i've raised $350 for the komen walk tomorrow- and i *will* still be walking. my mom has my girls tonight so that i can do the walk tomorrow as a cancer survivor, and not as a mom that has to worry about bathrooms, and lunches, and naps, etc... i'm hoping for lots of inspiration tomorrow to get me out of my doldrums. i've heard it's an amazing race, so i'm looking forward to it.

thanks to all of you for all of your love and support- and i'm sorry i'm so down right now. i'm hoping to post happier thoughts soon... i'm home, and feeling pretty good, so that's good news :)

and the results are in...

i have mrsa. blurg. anyone who wants to chime in with some knowledge on that, feel free. what the nurses have told me is that it is a antibiotic resistant strain of staph. so it's harder to get rid of than a normal staph infection, but i'll be fine. apparently, while it is drug resistant, it's not drug inpenetrable, so they think the stuff i've been on will take care of it. it's a good sign that i haven't been getting worse since surgery, and in fact have continued to get better. my boob is going back to a normal color, that is. or at least the skin covering the bowl that used to be my boob is going back to a normal color. anyone that comes to see me has to wear a gown and gloves now, but it's not airborne, and in order to catch it from me you would have had to have had contact with my wound.

the nurse that was just in here says that everyone has mrsa in their body. because of my immunosupressed state (due to chemo) the mrsa "overgrew" and caused the infection in my boob. which is why it got so bad, i guess. so, perhaps it wasn't all my fault after all. a silver lining, i guess :)

not sure what all this does to my getting out of here. this morning dr. h was in and said i would be going home 24 hours after i start oral antibiotics. i'm not sure if mrsa changes that or not... we'll just have to wait and see.

wednesday

i'm still in the hospital, but i should be going home tomorrow. i'm feeling fine. i haven't had to have any pain meds today and it doesn't even really feel like i had surgery yesterday. my infection seems to be getting better. at least it looks less pink to me :) the doctors are waiting on my cultures... apparently there are different antibiotics for different infections. right now i'm getting a coctail of a bunch of antibiotics in my iv. once they have a better idea of what my infection exactly is, they'll be able to give me an oral version. there's a chance i'll go home on iv antibiotics, and the visiting nurse will have to come out twice a day to administer them, but i'm hoping not to have to deal with all that.

my oncologist came to visit me today. he's such a nice guy. he reiterated that this is a bump in the road, and that it will all be okay. he's okay with me taking a couple of weeks off of chemo to heal, and thinks that i should be able to start back up the week after next or so. we'll see.

i got the okay to go to the komen walk on sunday, and should be back to work on monday, so all should be well.

out of surgery

so, i'm out, and i'm flat (on the left). there was apparently quite a mess in there. the goo was the consistency of snot. pretty, right? and there was a lot of it. so dr. h cleaned it all out really well with some sort of pressure washer thingy and sewed me back up.

they're going to keep me here for another day or so to watch the infection and make sure that it continues to respond to the iv antibiotics. i have one drain in, and will have it for a few days- a couple of weeks... depends on how much it drains out each day. just like before, when it gets to less than 20ml/day consistently i can get it out.

the good news is that i'm not in any pain right now. i'm on oral pain meds as needed, but at least i'm comfortable :) and i've stopped crying and feeling sorry for myself for the most part. now i'm trying to figure out how i can still do the walk on sunday. anyone have a wheelchair i can borrow?

my phone is charged, and i've got a good computer connection, so feel free to call/email to keep me company :) not sure how long i'll be here for visits, but at least till tomorrow some time... then i'll be laying low at home for a few days. remember how i had my surgery in summer, so i wouldn't have to miss any work? yeah. me too. blurg. oh! sorry- not feeling sorry for myself anymore... how's this... i get a week off of work to sit in my house and catch up on tv and movies :) hooray!! blurgggggggggg... i'm working on it.

this just in...

my name is meredith, and i'm a complete imbecile. also, not so smart in my brains. and here, hot of the presses... i am not a medical doctor. apparently, i am not battling a histamine reaction, i am battling another freaking infection. and, since i waited so long to go to the doctor (yep- just thought i'd wait till my regularly scheduled appt this afternoon) they can't just give me antibiotics. i have to have surgery tomorrow. to remove my expander and clean out the infection. dr. h may be able to put in a permanent gel implant since i'm at the size i want to be, but it will depend on what he sees when he gets in there.

best case scenario: i have surgery tomorrow, get my implant, and restart chemo in about a month. no further infection surfaces and life goes on with a really annoying but in the scheme of things fairly small blip (1-2 weeks off of work, chemo ending in early december instead of the end of october).

other scenario: they open me up tomorrow and can't put in the implant because there's too much of a mess from my infection. they have to close me up flat, and can't start the reconstruction again until 3-6 months after my chemo is finished. and i have to start all over with the expander.

either way, the right side is fine, this is all just effecting the left. and i'm *very* annoyed with myself for not going to the doctor last week. i *really* thought it was the same histamine reaction i've had in the past. i'm not sure when i'm having surgery tomorrow. my girls are with my dad, who happens to be on vacation this week. not sure how long i'll be here. ugh. this whole thing blows. but, it could be worse, so i'm going to really try hard to stop dropping f- bombs and work on getting out of here.

bad...

i'm having a terrible time with my histamine reaction. on top of that i have a lot of chemo pain. my boob is still purple and swollen, so i'm taking benedryl every 6 hours (though nothing seems to be changing). my hips, knees, shoulders, and leg bones are *killing* me, so i can't get comfortable anywhere. i'm taking tylenol every 4 hours, but it doesn't seem to be doing anything. this sucks. i go back to the plastic surgeon on monday, so hopefully i'll be able to get some help with the histamine at that point. i'm really hoping to wake up tomorrow feeling better... we'll see how it goes. keep your fingers crossed, please!

1/2 way!!

i got my chemo yesterday, so i'm half way done :) hooray! i'm having yet another histamine reaction to the alloderm (the fake skin they put in to make a pocket to hold my implant). so currently i am in pain and my boob is purple. it was so bad yesterday, that i left work early. the only thing i can do for it is take benedryl, but then i can't drive or teach. so i'm taking it at night, but since i can't take it every 6 hours like i'm supposed to, it's not really helping. this has happened every time i've gotten filled. but this time is worse than most. ugh. it started when i had my infection and my body produced a whole bunch of histamine to fight it. now any time the alloderm stretches, histamine rushes to the sight and hangs out there for a few days or more. fun.

other than that, all is well so far :) we have a pretty quiet weekend planned. and i'm very excited to say that my parents are taking the girls tomorrow night (mom's taking izzy, and dad and jill are taking symma) so kj and i have friday night and saturday to ourselves with *no* plans. we get to sit on our couch and do nothing. and watch the biggest loser :) and then, on saturday morning, joy of joys, we get to sleep in together!!!!! i'm soooo excited.

oooh! and here's the best thing that's happened this week. when i came home early yesterday, i was in so much pain, and i was really crabby, and then i couldn't take any meds because i had to drive myself to chemo, and i was pretty much ready to just lay on the couch and feel sorry for myself. but then i walked into my house. and the cleaning people had been there (i knew they were coming, but it had completely slipped my mind with the giant histamine attack), and my house was bee-u-tee-full! i almost cried. and then i went up to my bedroom, and they had even attacked my dresser. which was completely covered with all of my hats and scarves and you couldn't see the top at all, and they folded and stacked everything so nice, and made all of our beds... i was so happy. and then i could sit on my couch guilt-free for the few hours until i had to go to chemo. so i downloaded a whole bunch of pictures. and watched a bunch of shows that had been building up in the dvr. and as long as i didn't move, my boob didn't hurt. and life was good. i so love beth and her family for setting this up for us. and forcing me to accept it.

had support group tonight. i love those ladies :) it's so nice to talk to other people that have gone through all of this... we're discussing going to the young survivors conference in february in atlanta. it's 3 days of information... fabulous :)

i think that's all the news i have for today. hopefully the boob will get better, and i will get through another chemo weekend- i'll have plenty of sleeping in on saturday, so that should help :) hooray!! no one better call us until after 11am!

sorry.

i'm behind again. it's tuesday, and i'm not sure i updated that i got my chemo last week... but i did, so that's good :)

had another great weekend- went to tosafest on friday night (the kids had a blast!), the farmers market saturday morning and kite fest after the market (such a gorgeous day on the lake shore!), bowling saturday night (holy cow, do i suck!), and the mt. mary art show on sunday (bought some *good* stuff!). busy, busy, busy! i felt really good again this weekend. i think i figured out the right way to take my meds and naps in order to live life fairly normally. of course poor kj probably wouldn't tell you i'm doing very well, since he has to pick up all of my slack, but i'm able to work, and still do normal things around sleeping, so i'm trying to be positive.

still holding on to the hair :) i was told today that it's getting "so long"! ha! not really long, but at least it covers my head. and people seem to think that it's a short haircut now, rather than growing back from chemo (if they don't know i was sick).

so, tomorrow i go for chemo again. that'll be number 6- half way! i'll try to do a better job of updating this week- plus i really want to show you some pics... it's been awhile, and i've got a lot of downloading to do :)

one last thing... i'm doing the Komen Race for the Cure next weekend. since so many people donated when i walked in the Making Strides walk in spring, i'm not doing a push for donations this time, but i will add a link to my fundraising page if you're interested in donating or walking with us! we'd love to see you :)

http://milwaukee.info-komen.org/site/TRC/RacefortheCure/MKE_MilwaukeeAffiliate?pg=peditor&fr_id=1210&px=5930939&JServSessionIdr002=7k9tzok3r3.app306b

i'll try to add it on the side of this page later, too... so you can come back to it if you're so inclined.

i'm so far behind!!

holy crap am i behind. this school starting thing has really done me in! let's start with last weekend...

i had an amazing weekend. i was really nervous because we had a whole lot planned, and i had no idea if i'd be too sick to take part. but i didn't have any pain at all! well, a *little* bit on friday night, and i was pretty darn tired, but other than that, i was fabulous! saturday we went to the farmer's market in the morning, then took izzy to the doctor because she chose to debut a cold friday night and i was afraid it was an ear infection (it wasn't- thank goodness). then we went to my dad's house in beaver dam for the afternoon/evening. izzy went on her first boat ride- she seemed to like it :) sunday i went to coffee with my cousin melissa who was in town for our family reunion, and then went to the reunion in oconomowoc inthe afternoon. we had a really nice time- lots of pics were taken of all of our girls. melissa, my cousin jake and i have 5 girls combined, and they share a great-great grandma. there will be a post of photos later tonight i hope :) on monday we had a neeskara playdate at a park in racine and then came home and had a little bbq with gil and heather. all in all, a great weekend. of course izzy was sick, and therefore a beast for most of it, and our fridge/freezer died and we lost a bunch of food (pa fixed it- love him!), but enough fun stuff happened to outweigh that :)

this week has been crazy again. tuesday i had my (last!) pt appt. thank goodness. i *loved* my therapist, but i am glad to be rid of one appt each week. i have full range of motion back, and i know what to do if i start to tighten up, so i've been freed. yesterday i had chemo, and it was an oncologist week, so i was there from 2:30 till 7:30. ugh. but, the good news is that my counts were up a bit this week and i was able to get my treatment. so 5 down, 7 to go! hooray!! i'm still holding onto all my hairs, but my oncologist thinks they'll be gone again by the next time i see him (oct. 7th). i told him he's wrong. i'm hoping to win that one! today, unfortunately, was a day from hell. i cannot even begin to tell you all of it. some of the highlights- i've been up since 2am thanks to my steroids and a 5 year old visitor in my bed. finally gave up and got out of bed at 4am. art was cancelled at school today, so i had an empty hour in my schedule that i had been planning to use to organize my afternoon that i now had to fill with learning activity and figure out my afternoon on the fly. ugh. at 3:15 i realized that kj and symma had haircuts at 4:30. picked symma up at camp to take her to said haircut at which point she threw a giant tantrum that required me to carry her kicking and screaming across the parking lot, and ended with her kicking and punching me repeatedly while screaming that she hates me and i'm the worst mommy in the whole world ever while i was attempting to pin her in the carseat and buckle her in. after dropping kj and symma at their haircut, i had to go pick izzy up at daycare, and it took me 25 minutes for a 10 minute trip. we didn't get home from the haircuts till 6. we did dinner and then baths which i'm not going to even begin to explain. the children are sleeping now. and i need a drink. or something. oh, and when i was up this morning i realized that spike was only walking on 3 of his feet. so i called the vet, but since i hadn't been home since 7am, he wanted me to go home and check on him first before we made an appt for tomorrow. he made his poor tech call me back after hours. she called just as i was walking in the door, and got to listen to me search the house for spike, only to discover that he's walking just fine. so, good news in the end, but stress i could've done without today. blurg.

there's a lot scheduled again for this weekend. we've got our first bowling night of the season on saturday night, sunday school starts up again on sunday, so we have to get back into that schedule, and the last art fair of the season in on sunday. anyone interested in going with me?

tomorrow's gotta be better than today, right? and i'm taking my ativan tonight, so i *better* sleep. maybe i'll take 2.

4 down...

8 to go. that means i'm 1/3 of the way :) hooray! next week we have to cross our fingers for high white blood counts though. apparently i barely made it this week. i have to have 1500/whatever they're measuring, and i had 1510. if i go below 1500 they can't give me chemo and i have to push everything back a week. and as far as i know there's not much to be done about it. except get the nuelasta shots again. let's hope i don't have to go that route, since the side effect of those shots is muscle/bone pain, and i've already got a corner on that market.

anyway, i made it through the first few days of school. tomorrow is friday- and payday- hooray! and the weekend has lots of fun in store :) so i'm refusing to be sick. but i will force myself to rest and try to grow white blood cells...

the big news today is that i got a haircut. not really a haircut- but a trim around my ears! so far, my hair has continued to grow, and hasn't started to fall out or thin that i can tell. i'm hoping this continues, but not expecting it to. i've heard stories of it falling out 8 weeks or more into treatment. and one of my friends lost all of her eyelashes/eyebrows 6 weeks after she had completely finished treatment! so i'm not going to consider myself out of the woods until thanksgiving...

i'm going to zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzjzpoldkhkf;..... whoops fell asleep on the keyboard. time for bed!! good night :)

AAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!

For those of you who aren't aware... SCHOOL STARTS TOMORROW!!!! could someone please tell me where summer went??? i'm having some issues with this. i cannot believe there will be children sitting in my classroom tomorrow morning. good gravy.

that being said, i'm doing okay :) i was tired/achey on friday evening and saturday, but it didn't seem as bad this time. i gave in and took a 2 or 3 hour nap on saturday afternoon, and that seemed to make a big difference.

this week is crazy. i had school (no kids) today, and lindz came and helped me in my classroom in the afternoon. tomorrow is the kids' first day, and then i have pt. wednesday is chemo again (#4!). thursday i go in to the plastic surgeon to get topped off after school. friday i have no appts! crazy! then saturday we're going to my dad's in beaver dam to celebrate labor day weekend. and sunday we have open house/family reunion, and almost all the cousins from my generation are scheduled to appear :) hooray! busy, but good!

i must go now. i have a tooooooonnnnn of reading to do before i can go to bed. and have i mentioned that there will be children in my classroom in 10 hours?????? AAAAAAHHHHH!!!

what a week!

i have been very busy! i keep meaning to do an entry, and then end up going to bed and not getting to it. so here goes :)

i did well last friday- i was able to do all the stuff i had on my agenda. lindz and i set up my room, for the most part, and kj and i went out to dinner with tracy and jay. it was a wonderful day :) unfortunately, saturday sucked. i was in pain, and tired, and soooooooo crabby. i turned into an awful dragon lady. and poor amy got to witness it along with my girls, and kj. ugh. i'm embarrassed. once again, it only lasted a day, and on sunday i was much better. not sure what i'm going to try this week to combat it all. maybe go into hiding? with a lot of advil. cuz tylenol sure wasn't cutting it.

i'm glad sunday was a feel good day, though, because that was the big bday party day. which, let me just start off by saying, was made 1000 times easier by the fact that we had our house cleaned on wednesday (thank you again to the amazing cousins!!!). i will never ever throw another party without getting my house cleaned. it was soooo much easier. i love it. and the party went well. we did a tinkerbell theme this year, and symma loved it. i'll have pics up on my flickr page some time this week, i hope! i can't believe she's 5 already. the time has gone so fast!

monday i took izzy back to daycare for the first time since june. she did really well. a bit too well if you ask me- she didn't even care when i left! she could at least have shed a tear or 2 for her old mom, couldn't she? she went again today, and did fabulously again. i'm really glad that she has fun there- symma was always a really hard drop off and it broke my heart. though it was good to feel needed :) oh well, i know izzy loves me- when i pick her up at the end of the day i get big hugs and kisses. and that can't be beat!

tonight we had symma's back-to-school social. which is also *my* back-to-school social. ugh. i can' believe it's here already. but it was good to see my students. they were very happy to see some hair on my head :) and the social always gets me going for the coming year. so, now i'll start making name tags, and planning lessons for the first week. which is going to be a very interesting first week. i typically stay at school till 6 or so every night for the first week or 2 getting my schedule figured out, and planning, and organizing, etc... between chemo, and pt, and boob appts that is not going to be an option. i have to be out by 4 every day! i'm not sure what i'm going to do... i'll be a giant ball of stress, that's for sure!

speaking of boobs, i'm getting near the end of the fillings, i think. my doctor says it's completely up to me, but in his opinion, one or 2 more should do the trick. i have to start trying on some of my work clothes to see if i like the way they look or not. unfortunately, i've gained so much weight this summer, that i'm not going to like the way anything looks, so this could prove to be interesting. blurg.

i'm also nearing the end of my pt. i have almost complete range of motion on my right side, and am just a tad behind on my left due to the infection i had. i have moved into resistance training with a band, rather than just stretching, and will be going into weights next week. as much as i like my physical therapist, i guess it will be good not to have to fit in those appts anymore...

tomorrow is taxol treatment number 3. i'm looking for reading suggestions. anyone got a light, casual, non-educational book idea for me? something to keep my mind off of chemo... that i can still follow when i'm high on benedryl... if you get your suggestions in fast enough, i may be able to get to the library tomorrow so i can start it :) otherwise, i'll just be bringing a stack of magazines that i've been neglecting. or maybe i'll bring the camera/laptop and catch up on some photo editing and downloading. in any event, tomorrow's chemo day, so i get to start the cycle all over again. let's hope this one goes w/o a day of pain!

2 down...

...10 to go :) got my chemo yesterday... along with a dose of steroids that kept me up on facebook and reading my book till at least midnight, and then woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed at 4 freaking 25 am. ugh. i'm so going to hit a wall tonight. and i even took my ativan last night so this wouldn't happen. may have to take 2 next week. blurg.

anywho, all went well in treatment. they gave me an oral dose of benedryl (instead of iv- which knocked me on my butt last week if you remember!), and while it made me a bit floopy at first, by the end of treatment i was all good. i got home *late* though. went in at 3:30pm for lab work, and didn't get home till after 7:30pm. i'm trying to get a good schedule set up for when school starts... but symma wasn't too happy that i missed getting her ready for bed. i came home as the last story was being read. the nurses have told me that the first 2 take the longest, so hopefully this will get better as the treatments go on.

i have a busy couple of days coming up, so i'm going to try to premedicate for the muscle/bone pain. (elliot- what do you think- tylenol, or be brave and take advil? ) last week i did great on thursday, but had a baaaad friday. and i am booked solid tomorrow, so no time for that! lindz is going to come to school to help me set up my classroom during the day, and then we're going out to dinner with friends in the evening.

but before i can get to tomorrow, i have to get through today. i have pt at 8am (poor lindz has to get up to come babysit. i owe her a vacation when i'm done with all this!). then i'm taking the girls shopping for symma's party supplies- she'll be *5* on monday!!! so we're having the big party on sunday and i have yet to order her cake. as a matter of fact, i don't even know what kind of cake/decorations she wants this year! after that, i'm trying to con my sis into coming back to babysit because we have a *new baby in our posse*!!!!!! kj and i want to try to go visit before dinner, because then i have support group after dinner. busy, busy, busy. no time for being sick!

on to the thank you's for the week:

my auntie mary brought us dinner this week: homeade mac n cheese and salad from her garden! yummy!

dad and jill have been watching the girls. a lot. thank you for my day of nothing yesterday!! and for all the other days, too :)

my mom's friend glen and his daughter amy sent me the sweetest "angel of healing". she's so pretty :) and she's even holding a little baby animal, so she's very "me". love it. thank you so much for all of your notes and support through all of this!

i have continued to get notes in the mail from people all the time- i have a huge box of them! i can flip through whenever i'm feeling down. it's great!

and we had our house cleaned yesterday. just in time for symma's party. it looks fabulous!! i have vowed to turn over a new leaf and work really hard to keep it clean between the cleanings. i don't have much faith in myself in that area, but i'm going to try *really* hard!! anyone know of any biodegradable, possibly flushable, non-toxic, but worthy of cleaning a bathroom wipes that i can use? i'm told if you keep cleaning wipes in the bathroom you're more apt to clean it... and we have 3 freaking bathrooms, so i can use all the help i can get :) thank you sooooooo much beth, laura, and katie!!!!! i cannot tell you how good it was to get home from chemo last night and be able to flop on the couch with no guilt. love you!!

and, of course, i need to send continued thanks to julie, lindz, and my mom who have continued to cover kid care for me. often on a last minute basis. i can't imagine trying to do an hour of pt with my girls running around the office.

so, on to today- my chai is in hand, and i'm raring to go :) and izzy thinks she should be up now, too. she'll wait till the chai has been properly enjoyed, though, i think ;)

taxol

so far, i gotta say, while it's not horrible, it's not that fun, either. i felt great on wednesday and thursday, but friday was pretty bad. i was really tired, and blah all morning, and then as the day progressed i got more and more sore. by 4pm all of my skin hurt and my muscles and bones were *really* ache-y. saturday was a good day, though, and really the worst of it only lasted 5 hours or so, so i guess i'm better than i could be :) today has been really blah. i don't really feel well, but i can't put a finger on why exactly. i'm not nauseous, but i don't want to eat much. my chest is killing me (possible histamine reaction?), and my back hurts. but, all things considered, i shouldn't complain- it could be much worse!

i've got a pretty busy week coming up, so i'm hoping to feel pretty good. lots of dr's appts, and physical therapy, as well as my last couple of playdates for the summer. i can't believe how fast time flies! my dad and jill are taking the girls for 3 days this week, lindsay and i are setting up my classroom on friday, and we're having symma's bday party next weekend, and then izzy starts back at daycare on the 24th... i'm really looking forward to tuesday- i am going to have the house all to myself for the whole day- and i'm going to watch all of the movies i kept putting aside all summer :) and i'm going to sleep late, and not get dressed. and i'm not going to feel guilty about it! especially since i have to go get chemo the next day and start the crud all over again.

so, i'm doing okay. i'm not feeling all that upbeat or positive at the moment- i'm just really sick of being sick. but i also know that i should be happy to be where i am in this journey. things could be a lot worse. but, feel free to send me some attagirls- you guys always make me feel better- plus, if you comment, i know you're reading :)

thanks for all of my cards and notes- i get so many i can't keep up with who they're all from. but i know my aunt peggy and uncle mike have me on their minds a lot, and i so appreciate it :) kj's auntie alice has been thinking about us a lot, too, and we've gotten such sweet notes (and today a phone call!) from her. and kate made us dinner again last week, which was fabulous :)

and then there's kj's cousins- they've gotten us some cleaning help, and i cannot even tell you how grateful we are. they are coming for the first time on wednesday, so i'll fill you all in on how amazing it is at that point. but i know without a doubt that beth, laura, and katie are amazing people for wanting to help us out this way. and we appreciate it more than you can imagine!! thank you sooooo much!

i'm going to stop feeling sorry for myself now, and get my girls ready for bed. here's hoping to a week that's "a walk in the park" like i've been promised :)

the countdown begins

good news today- i got my CT results, and all is well :) no surprises/changes since my last one. yay! i also was able to start chemo, so while i really, really am not looking forward to starting this again, at least i'm on my last leg now. officially. 1 down, 11 to go.

when you get chemo, they administer a bunch of pre-meds to help your body process the toxins better/more easily. my pre-meds include an anti-nausea (zofran), a steroid (to make the zofran work better), benedryl (to combat a possible allergic reaction to the drug), and pepcid (also to combat an allergic reaction). the pre-meds take about 15 minutes to administer, and are hung on the iv pole and go through my port. just like my chemo. the chemo (taxol) takes about 90 minutes to administer. so overall, i'll be in the chair for about 2 hours each week. i will also have labs drawn each week to monitor my blood counts, so i'll get to the hospital at 3:30pm, hopefully start chemo around 4:30pm (though they're typically backed up and running late- over an hour today!), and get done around 6:30pm. that should get me home in time to help with bedtime.

somehow i managed to block out that i had benedryl administered through my iv when i was in the hospital with my infection and had a bad reaction to it- got all loopy/high and slept for 4 hours straight in the middle of the day. they gave me the benedryl in my pre-meds today and the same thing happened. only i didn't go to sleep, cuz i had to drive home and stuff. i was so high i had to stay an extra hour getting saline pumped in me to try and sober me up. ugh. not sure what we're going to do to fix this problem. perhaps lower the dosage... perhaps take it orally because that doesn't have the same effect on me. gotta talk to my doc about that.

so, i'm home now, and have had dinner. i went to the hospital at 10am, and didn't get home till 4:30pm. i was scheduled for 10am with my oncologist, and 11am for my chemo. i didn't even get to chemo till quarter to 12, and then didn't get a chair till 1pm. and i only got it then because heather (my friend/neighbor/chemo nurse) worked some magic and got me in. timeliness is not their best quality. but everyone there is so nice, and i always bring a book with me, so at least i have some nice reading time :) in any event, i'm resting at home while kj has the girls out at a park since i'm still useless from my benedryl experience. the good news is that i didn't have an allergic reaction to the taxol, so i can continue my treatments as planned.

okay, 1 down, 11 to go. and they promised me that this will not be as hard as the last round. i'm holding them to that!

this just in...

...from the surgeon's office:

1) as of wednesday i can pick up my izzy again :) hoooooraaaaay!!!

2) i can drive again :) yipppeeee!

3) all of my stickers, tapes, and bandages are now removed. whew!

also, i got my first "fill-up" today. the doctor says he's guessing i'll need 3 or 4 more depending on how it all settles in my chest/ribs/muscles... then i let them "rest" for 3-6 months, and then do the swap. so, i've got a way to go on the boobs. but, as i said yesterday, i can sleep on my side again, so that helps. i gotta say, the fill up is weird. parts of it hurt, parts of it just felt weird. the whole area is still bruised and battered inside, so the pushing and prodding isn't great. of course, when i told him it hurt, his response was "great! that means the nerves are starting to work again!" somehow i don't see it *quite* the same way ;)

i don't get my CT results till wednesday. will fill you all in on that later... right now, i'm doing the happy dance because i get to take care of my girls again. anyone want to schedule a playdate??

healing well

hello all :)

i have continued to heal well... my drains are all out, and i'm feeling pretty good :) i'm still sore, and working on regaining my range of motion. right now my right arm is doing really well. the left arm is a bit behind, due to the infection, but my physical therapist thinks that i'll get back to 100% with some work.

the good news is that i am able to sleep on my side again! hurray! now that the drains are out i can move a bit more freely. i'm able to wear normal clothes again, too :) so, at least i'm regaining some sense of normalcy :)

i still have a 10lb weight limit, so my mom is still helping out with the girls during the week. they've been having a good time with each other, but i think poor gma is getting tired. i'm really looking forward to taking care of my girls on my own again, but i'm told it will be about another 3 weeks. ugh.

tomorrow i have a follow-up CT scan and lab work. i'm hoping for no surprises. if all goes well, then i can start chemo again on wednesday. so, cross your fingers for everything to be as expected... if i start chemo on wednesday, and don't have to push any of the treatments back due to low bloodcounts, then i'll be done with all of this by halloween :) i am *really* hoping for that!

1 more down, 1 to go :)

i got another drain out today :) yay! my doctor says that everything looks really good- i'm healing well. the little spot that he thought he may have to "trim and re-sew" looks healed, and my lymph node incisions are doing well. the last drain that's left is the one that had the infection. it's still draining quite a bit each day, though it seems to be on a downward trend. i'll call back on thursday with my drain numbers, and may get it out at that point. if not, hopefully monday.

on monday afternoon i have blood work and a follow-up CT scan. hopefully i'll start chemo again on wednesday. it will all depend on my lab work. i can't start chemo until my blood work has returned to normal from surgery.

i'm feeling good :) the benedryl makes me *sleeeeeepy* but other than that i'm okay. i'm back off of my pain meds, and just taking tylenol a few times each day. the benedryl is crazy, though! i take it and within a few minutes i'm ready for bed. i don't know how kids can take it!

i think that we may try to go school supply shopping tomorrow through my benedryl haze. symma needs to be ready for K5! and there are some things that i need to get for my classroom, as well. should be entertaining... me and mom, symma and izzy loose in target. look out world, here we come! i don't have much else on my schedule for the rest of the week.

it's very frustrating to be home, but completely unable to care for my own kids! i'm so glad to have them home, so i can see them and talk to them, but i am mostly just an observer. it's rather obnoxious. but since i really don't want to have to do this again, i'm listening to my doctors and following directions. and my mom and my sister are pretty hardcore nurses- it's easier for me to be away from the kids than it is to sit there and not be able to do anything! not that i'm complaining about them being here- we all need to get back on a regular schedule and a regular life, it's just hard not to be able to do anything. i can't wait until i feel normal again!!

the weekend

it's been pretty low-key at the polewski household this weekend. i've been really tired, and pretty sore, so we haven't done much. kj and i went to the farmers market yesterday morning, and last night we did go over to julie and joel's for a little bit, so that was nice :) and we went to church this morning, so i haven't been a *complete* hermit.

there's not much new to report... i have a doctor's appt tomorrow with my plastic surgeon. i'm hoping to get rid of the drain on my right side. i don't think they'll be able to take the drain out of the infected side, yet because there's still a lot of action going on over there. i think when the drains are gone i'll feel a lot better. at least that's my hope. it's really annoying having to shower with them around my neck, and empty them twice each day, and strip them constantly so they don't get clogged. plus they're just gross to look at/think about.

the girls were with my dad and jill this weekend, after spending the week with my mom. they're on their way home right now. i'm excited to see them. but i feel bad, because i really can't do anything but look at them. i can't really play with them, and i can't get izzy in or out of anything. plus the drugs are making me soooooooooooo tired. i don't have the energy to do anything with them. ugh. but i'll be glad to see their smiling faces and get hugs :) and maybe we'll be able to take a walk after dinner.

this week my mom will be doing the nannying thing again. here's hoping it goes better this week (this was also the plan for last week, but i ended up in the hospital instead)! she'll come over in the morning and leave when kj gets home from work. symma has a birthday party to go to on friday, but other than that and a couple of doctor's appts there's not too much on the schedule. i think my mom has a playdate planned for symma on one of the days... and i feel like mom and lindz are taking the girls on a field trip on wednesday somewhere, but i don't remember where...

thanks so much to my visitors- in the hospital and at home :) it's good to see everyone from the outside world! and once again, thanks to amy and lindz for taking care of me in the hospital- and gil, too :) i don't know what i would do without such an amazing circle of people helping us out all of the time. though i must say, i can't wait until i don't need the help anymore!

i've gotten so many nice cards and letters. i really do appreciate them. i have also gotten some very nice gift cards from peggy and mike, and darin and melissa, and julie and joel... thanks so much!!

let's hope i get at least one drain out tomorrow afternoon. keep your fingers crossed :)

thursday

well, i'm still in the hospital. but i think i'm on the mend. my infection moved to a different section of my breast, and therefore there was a lot more swelling in that area. my doctor decided to continue treating me with the iv antibiotics, but also add benedryl to my laundry list of meds. his thought is that this may not be an infection. it may be my body is reacting to the drain and/or expander and producing histamine to fight it off. the benedryl's job is to put the histamine to sleep. those of you that know me well know that symma went through this whole "histamine cyle" a couple of summers ago when she was fighting hives. she developed a temporary allergy to cold- yes i mean low temperatures- and every time we'd walk into air conditioning, or go swimming, or walk through the freezer section at the grocery store she'd break into hives. so apparently our bodies produce histamine to fight off invaders. in my case i guess the invader is the drain. or perhaps the initial infection from the drain. in symma's case the initial invader was a super high fever. it took us 6 months of benedryl and zyrtec to get her histamine to go to sleep. let's hope mine goes faster, or my boob may explode!!

once again, i have to say that the nursing staff here is amazing. every nurse i've had has been so sweet, and chatty. they all have been very concerned about me and do everything they can to keep me comfy and happy :) it'll be a little sad to go home and not have someone to answer my every bidding ;)

the food here sucks. so mom and lindz brought me dinner from noodles & co. that was awesome. first good meal i've had since monday! and i just found out that i'm not NPO for tonight, which means two things: 1) i can eat and drink whenever i wake up, and 2) they aren't planning on doing surgery for anything tomorrow. these are both good things :0)

i've continued to have lots of visitors, which is wonderful. i didn't have a full-time babysitter today, which is good because within 10 minutes of my benedryl (given through the iv the first time, and then orally in pill form from then on) i fell asleep. for like 4 hours. it was *crazy*

i'm doing well, though, and i think i may go home tomorrow, but we'll see!

xoxoxo

mer

infection

so, i'm back at the hospital. i started to have increasing pain around my drain site on monday. as the day progressed, the pain got worse. by about 6pm i was at my friend heather's house (the nurse) getting her opinion. she said she thought i should page my on-call doctor. so i did. it took about an hour, but the doctor did call back, and he said that he thought i'd be okay till morning. another friend suggested that kj circle the part that was red around my drain (about a 2 inch circle) so that we could decide if the infection was spreading. by 9:30pm i was in so much pain, and starting to shake/shiver, so amy took me to the ER.

since i had already talked to the on-call doc, i didn't have to suffer in the ER as long as everyone else. they saw me within an hour, and decided that i should start an oral antibiotic and go see my doctor in the office at 8am. so, amy took me to the pharmacy to fill my prescription and then took me back home. i was home about midnight. by this time i was in so much pain that i was crying, and took my oxycodone for the first time since a few days after surgery.

i had a crappy night of sleep, and amy took me to the doctor in the morning (mom took the girls). when we got to the doctor, he was in surgery, but his fabulous nurse that i love took a look at me. she called dr. hijjawi in surgery and they decided to admit me for iv antibiotics. amy brought me to the hospital and they had me in a room about 9:30am. in lots of pain.

i wasn't allowed to eat or drink anything in case they need to do surgery to clean out the infection. so i was quite dehydrated, and my pain meds had run out at 8am. since i had the bilateral mastectomy, they don't like to use my arms for iv's. so they spent the next couple of hours trying to get an iv in my foot. which they couldn't do because i was dehydrated. which they couldn't fix because they couldn't give me any fluids by mouth, and they couldn't get an iv in. it was a vicious circle. after 3 hours of ridiculous amounts of pain (waaaaay worse than surgery, since surgery involved an epidural and a pain pump), they finally got the okay to use my arm for an iv. that went very well. at the same time, dr. hijjawi decided that i would not be having surgery yet, and i could eat and drink. so as they were doing the iv, they were able to give me pain meds, and order lunch for me.

by yesterday afternoon, i was feeling fairly decent. the pain meds were working, and i was comfortable in the bed. i wasn't able to walk around at all, because every time i moved it burned like i was being struck by lightening, but sitting still was fine. i had a bit more pain in the evening, but they gave me lots of meds that helped me sleep comfortably, so that was good.

today i have a lot of pain, but they do think the infection is getting better. and it can take 24-48 hours to start feeling better. the doctors are pretty sure i'll be going home tomorrow. i have had a ton of visitors already which is so nice. i'm pretty much never alone :) my nurses are awesome, too, so i'm doing well :)

thanks so much for all the good vibes and well wishes... i'll keep you up to date :)

Friday

hello all :)

things are continuing to go well... yesterday i got 2 of my drains out (2 to go!) and started physical therapy. my doctors are happy with how things are healing, and i've been off of my oxycodone and just taking tylenol for the past few days. i'm feeling good :)

i also was able to go to my support group meeting last night (i'm not allowed to drive, yet, so kj drove me there and my dad picked me up), so that was good. lindz and i are going to see harry potter today... hooray!

the girls have been with my mom all week, and i think the poor woman is exhausted. i've been talking to the girls each day, and kj went to put them to bed last night. they've been having lots of fun with gma- they even had a playdate yesterday with their cousins :) today she's bringing the girls here and my dad is picking them up for the weekend. and then on sunday they're coming back here to stay :) and mom will be here as "the nanny" during the day, since i still can't lift izzy.

while my mom has been watching my girls, my sister has been watching me. it's been really nice spending time with her- even though i feel totally guilty about her wasting her whole day here. but she's been a huge help- making me chai, and lunch, helping me get dressed, coming to my appts with me... all kinds of stuff. i've been waited on hand and foot- and i'm really trying not to get used to it!!

my mom took symma to the jelly belly factory on wednesday, so lindz went and watched izzy at her house. then gil came to watch me. i'm surrounded by babysitters :) he brought me chai and a brownie. it was wonderful :)

yesterday my friend lauren came to visit me- and she brought me flowers and homeade soup :) it was so nice to be able to sit and talk like grown-ups without the kids jumping in. i'm loving being able to have whole conversations with people!! though, again- i'm trying not to get used to it because my babies are coming home soon :) and i miss them and their snuggles!!

on to thank you's:

gpa and jeff- thanks so much for my gift- i can't wait to go shopping- and gpa, thank you so much for coming to visit me!

the mt. tabor group- you are so generous, and kind to think of me- thank you so much for the gift card and your good thoughts :)

dan, mary, adam, and michelle- thanks for my beautiful flowers :) i love them- and it was so nice to get flowers delivered to me!

lindz- thank you for babysitting me- i hate feeling like a burden, but i'm glad you're here :)

gil- same goes for you- thanks for being hubby number 2 :)

mom, dad, and jill- thank you so much for taking care of the girls. i feel so comfortable knowing that they're with you. they love you, and so do we :) i know how exhausting they can be, so i know we owe you big!!

dad and jill- thanks for my "happiness" angel- she's adorable :)

beth, katie, and laura- thank you is not enough. i cannot get over your generosity, and cannot express how much we appreciate your gift.

and a semi-belated thank you goes out to my family- you waited a looooong time the waiting room for me last week. thanks for being there- for me and for each other. i'm so lucky to have so many people that love me. and care enough to show it!

9 years and counting

today is our anniversary. our real one- though i still count our first kiss, and engagement as anniversaries, so kj's always confused :) but 9 years ago today, i made the smartest decision in my life and married the best man in the world. he has taken care of me through many little breakdowns, that i thought were huge at the time, and has stepped up in a way that i never would have thought i deserved in the face of the biggest challenge of my life. i won't say it's the biggest challenge in *his* life, because unfortunately, kj has had far too many terrible experiences, but i will say that cancer has been a crazy ride for us both. and he has been amazing. both as a father and a husband. he has taken care of everything. so well that at times i question my necessity in the house. and then i thank my lucky stars that i have him, and the girls have him.

so, while i'm sitting here in a camisole with drain pockets filled with drains filled with bodily fluids, hoping for a shower where my husband will have to hold my drains, and look at 4 incisions and 4 punctures in my extremely creepy looking chest, i feel lucky.

i am married to my best friend. the man whose eyes have gotten me through two child births, and a wedding. the man who can hold my hand and look into my eyes and make me forget that bad things are happening. the man that makes me feel safe, and happy every time he walks through our door. the man that *always* gives me at least 4 kisses- and sometimes 6- but never 3 or 5. the man i fit perfectly with. i am lucky. and i hope he always knows that i know it...

happy anniversary my prince-

day.... ummmm 6?

i'm cancer free!!!!!! i got my final pathology reports today and they were all negative! hooray!! all 6 nodes they removed were clear, and there were no new masses. the tumor that we had been watching and had shrunk to 5ml hadn't grown or changed at all, even though i hadn't had chemo in 2 months :) yay!!

i will still have 12 rounds of taxol- to make sure that any stray cells floating around in my body are taken care of. what i learned with the whole bone scare last month is that cancer *can* travel w/o leaving evidence in the lymph nodes... it travels in the blood. so the lymph nodes are a marker, not a promise. but it's good that there's no *evidence* of it traveling in my nodes.

i finally got my oncologist to enter me into "the equation" that he has for my recurrence percentage. basically, if i had had no chemo, and just surgery, there was a 20-30% chance of it coming back. the chemo knocks that to about 10-15%, and my body's reaction to the chemo lowers it even more :) yay!!! love it, love it. i mean there's probably a 10% chance of a lot of things happening to me- including winning the lottery, but that's not something i'm willing to bank on- i'm still working ;)

thank you all for all of your cards- i love them :) and i got to spend the afternoon chatting with my friend deyana, and she brought us dinner which i'm about to go eat with symma and kj. izzy's still with my mom. she just doesn't get the whole "being gentle" thing. she's soooooo happy when she sees me, and she doesn't get it that i can't hold her.

love to you all :)

day 3

another good day :) i went for a walk outside, saw my dad and jill, and my gpa, and my mom... plus heather came over to check on my drains because i thought one was clogged. turns out all is well.

tomorrow i'm going to the plastic surgeon. i'm hoping to get rid of the pain pump (it's out of med and just hanging there annoying me) and 2 of my drains (they've slowed down a lot). i will be excited if i can drop some of my extra extremities :)

i'm feeling a bit lost right now. i'm not sure what to do with myself... i don't feel sick- just sore and tired, so i feel guilty sitting around like a slug. my girls aren't here and tomorrow my sister is coming to hang out with me. i guess we'll just watch tv and stuff. my garden needs weeding, and i need to pack up izzy's clothes that she's grown out of, but i think i'll let that wait for a day or 2. i'm really trying to acknowledge the fact that my chest hurts and take things slow.

so, let's hope for losing some drains tomorrow :)

day 2

i had a good day today. i was pretty sore when i woke up since i didn't take any meds during the night. but my pain meds work fairly quickly, so it didn't last too long.

kj's a real trooper- he's helped me empty my drains, and keep track of all of my meds and stuff. tomorrow morning he gets to help me shower. which, i promise you, will not be at all entertaining. poor guy!

the girls were with dad and jill yesterday and last night. i did get to see symma at the hospital for a couple of minutes. then kj picked them up today and took them to the waukesha county fair. my mom came to my house and babysat me. i keep telling everyone that i'm okay to watch myself, but no one will listen.

i had lots of visitors today :) nikki and her mom, kathy, my gpa and uncle jeff, julie, and my mom. and i opened my package from kenny's wonderful and sweet cousins- chocolate and a travel book!! thanks!! julie and darin and missy got me gift cards for new undies- i'm going to have so much fun shopping for my new chest :)

when kj was done at the fair he brought the girls back here and i got to see them. hurray!! izzy wasn't nearly as rough as we feared. and i just missed them and put my foot down and said they weren't going to my mom's without seeing me first. i blocked my chest off with pillows- which the girls promptly moved out of the way so that they could see my owies. and they weren't grossed out by them, just curious. i was sooooo happy to see them. it was nice to get hugs and smooches from my girls. and izzy still knew who i was, so that made me happy.

now the girls are at my mom's and kj and i have spent the evening on the couch catching up on some tivo'd stuff. we are *way* behind! thanks for all of the phone calls, notes, and continued good thoughts!! love you all :)

home sweet home

hello everybody :)

i'm home... not really sure how i feel about that. i really wanted to stay till tomorrow morning. but the more i thought about it and listened to the doctors, the better i felt about coming home. their point was that they really weren't doing anything for me anymore. so, here's how it went...

wednesday morning kj took me to the hospital at 5:30am. the thoracic block team came in to talk to me about their procedure. basically they were giving me an epidural higher in my back - so rather than having my abdomen and legs numb (like when i had my babies) i had a numb band around my chest. they told me that they would be leaving the epidural in over night to help avoid taking narcotics. there is apparently some preliminary research that has shown that avoiding narcotics when your immune system is down (right after surgery) lowers the chance of recurrence. that made me happy, and kj and i decided that the benefit of a lower recurrence rate outweighed the risk of the epidural. and the epidural went really well :)

they took me away from kj (about 7:30am) to give me the epidural which was *really* hard- he's been with me for my past epidurals, and i was really scared. but the block team was really sweet and both of the doctors held my hands and wiped my face and helped me relax, so it was all good. i'd still rather have had my hubby though!

after that i don't really remember much. i know they brought kj back for a little while and then sent him away and wheeled me somewhere, but i think i fell asleep on the way. and then i woke up in the recovery room at 3:10pm. and the nice doctor from the block team was still there holding my hand. he stayed with me for about an hour till they were able to take me to my real room. i think i got there about 4:30pm.

and then they brought my kj in!! and he was so happy... they told him (and the rest of the fam: mom, dad, jill, lindz, and erik) that they had removed the breasts and couldn't even find my tumor! they had also taken out 6 lymph nodes (4 on the cancer side and 2 on the healthy side) and initial pathology on them was clear :)

so, all the news so far is good. i will meet with the plastic surgeon on monday, and the cancer surgeon on tuesday. by tuesday we're hoping to have the final pathology results. right now there is no reason to believe that the cancer has spread at all, so i am a happy camper :)

i have 3 incisions on each side. one large incision (about 3 inches per side) where they scooped out all the bad and put in the expander. then i have 2 smaller incisions on each side- maybe 1-2 inches each. the top incisions are where they took out the lymph nodes and the bottom incision is where my drains and pain pump are attached. i have 2 drains on each side and one pain tube on each side. the pain tube is connected to a little ball filled with medicine that is time released directly into my wound. we think the medicine is kind of like novocaine and will last for about 5 days or so. i'm also taking an antibiotic and oral pain meds. i'm taking 1 oxycodone every 4-5 hours with tylenol in between. the pain is more of an ache than a pain. much like chemo, i was expecting it to be much worse.

thank you soooo much for all of your notes, and happy thoughts, and prayers. i've had some wonderful friends come and visit me already, and it was fabulous to laugh with them. not to mention my parents and lindz and erik and kj all waiting for me during my surgery.

there are so many thank you's this week, i don't know where to start:

julie- thanks for watching the girls during my mapping

lindz- thanks for coming to my mapping with me :)

amy- thank you so much for watching my girls on tuesday and wednesday... i couldn't have done this without you!

shawon, amy/linda/vicki, and lindsey- thank you for my beautiful flowers. i love, love, love them!!

amy- my taffy jar is adorable and yummy, and i devoured my cookie :)

e- thanks for my chocolate cookie :)

tracy, amy, lindsey, shawon, heather, lindsay, mom, dad, jill, erik, gpa, jeff, mona, and kathy- thanks so much for visiting me- you helped the time go by much faster!!

megan- thanks for setting me up with the best nurses and techs! i had amazing nurses taking care of me. they were all so helpful and caring.

mom, dad, and jill- thank you for watching my girls so that kenny and lindz can focus on me. and thank you for taking care of me, when your not taking care of my girls.

i love you all, and can't tell you how happy i am to be able to write this post. i was really scared of surgery, but i've made it through, and am not in nearly as much pain as i expected. it's all easy going from here :)

the big day

so tomorrow's the big surgery. i'm not looking forward to it, but i'm looking forward to it being finished- if you know what i mean.

i had my sentinel node mapping today, and while it certainly wasn't pleasant, i lived through it. basically, it felt like 3 big 'ol bee stings in each nipple. yippee. lindz came with me but they wouldn't let her stay during the injections. the nurse held my hand instead... i'm glad lindz came along. they let her sit with me after the injections while they watched the tracers move through to my lymph nodes. now i have little magic marker x's on my boobs. tomorrow i get to write "yes" on the boobs i want them to remove... that would be both of them. not sure why that's confusing, but if they need me to spell it out i will!! :)

amy came over and watched the kids today so i could do all my last minute stuff. there was a lot of last minute stuff because i am a giant procrastinator. but it's done. or at least as done as it's getting. then i took the kids over to julie's so lindz and i could go to my mapping appt. thank goodness i have such amazing friends in my life, or i wouldn't have made it this far.

so, tomorrow's schedule looks like this: i have to be at the hospital at 5:30am. they will be doing a thoracic epidural before the surgery begins. that will help avoid using narcotics after the surgery, which tend to be strong and make me sick. my surgery is scheduled for 8:30am. it takes about 4 hours to take them off, and then 2 1/2 more to put them back on. makes for a long day for my family in the waiting room... i wish there was a way they could all be put out, too!

lindsay will be updating my facebook status throughout the day, and kj will have his cell phone if there's coverage in the hospital. if i can type, i'll try to post something here tomorrow evening.

thank you so much for all of the good thoughts, healthy vibes, and prayers you've been sending my way. here's to hoping that i have clean margins and clear lymph nodes... if so, the next post i'm writing will be cancer-free!! lots of love to you all :)

4th of july

hello :)

i am feeling good, and enjoying summer, so i decided that i would post some pics from the weekend...

on friday we went to the zoo with a bunch of my friends from neeskara, then saturday we went to the farmers market with jenna and michelle, and lindz and erik, and in the evening we went to the fireworks with my mom. izzy didn't like them very much :( poor thing. anyway, hope you like the pictures :)

new surgery date

hello :)  

i talked to my surgeon's scheduler, and we're a go for july 15th (a wednesday).  i have to be there at 6:30am, and the surgery is scheduled for 8:30am.  

on tuesday the 14th at 3pm i will go in for the sentinel node procedure.  then i'll come home and go back in the am.

other than that, all is well...  hope you're all doing well, too!

summer fun :)

i'm feeling great, and taking advantage of it :)  

saturday we went to strawberry fest with lindz and erik.  i am so glad i didn't have to miss it this year!  it's my favorite festival of the summer- and we ate our way through it.  we had strawberry smoothies, and kettle corn, and corn on the cob, and chocolate covered strawberries- fabulous!! plus i bought a new chai mug and a new hat.  all in all a great day :)

sunday we went to church- it was the first time i've made it there in a loooooong time.  kj was taking the girls pretty regularly while i was sick, but i was using it as a quiet morning to sleep in and rest in an empty house.  it was nice to get there and see everyone.  then we all went to my gpa's for father's day.  another good day :)

today the girls and i went to the park with julie and her boys.  we had a picnic and played in the sun.  and avoided the rain- yay!  i'm loving this extra time i've got to enjoy summer.   i'm really looking forward to the fireworks this weekend!  i was so sad that i was going to have to miss them- and now i don't.  yay!  

i want to throw a thank you (very late, unfortunately) out to brandi for the fabulous hat she made for me- i love it!!  i'm so sorry that i am a complete loser and forgot to thank you...  i'd like to blame it on the chemo, but really i'm just a jerk.  it's totally adorable, though, and i so appreciate you thinking of me :)  

i hope you all are feeling as well as i am right now...  and enjoying your summer :)  i'll post pics some time this week of all of our fun.  if i can fit that in with all the playdates i'm scheduling :)