AAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!

For those of you who aren't aware... SCHOOL STARTS TOMORROW!!!! could someone please tell me where summer went??? i'm having some issues with this. i cannot believe there will be children sitting in my classroom tomorrow morning. good gravy.

that being said, i'm doing okay :) i was tired/achey on friday evening and saturday, but it didn't seem as bad this time. i gave in and took a 2 or 3 hour nap on saturday afternoon, and that seemed to make a big difference.

this week is crazy. i had school (no kids) today, and lindz came and helped me in my classroom in the afternoon. tomorrow is the kids' first day, and then i have pt. wednesday is chemo again (#4!). thursday i go in to the plastic surgeon to get topped off after school. friday i have no appts! crazy! then saturday we're going to my dad's in beaver dam to celebrate labor day weekend. and sunday we have open house/family reunion, and almost all the cousins from my generation are scheduled to appear :) hooray! busy, but good!

i must go now. i have a tooooooonnnnn of reading to do before i can go to bed. and have i mentioned that there will be children in my classroom in 10 hours?????? AAAAAAHHHHH!!!

what a week!

i have been very busy! i keep meaning to do an entry, and then end up going to bed and not getting to it. so here goes :)

i did well last friday- i was able to do all the stuff i had on my agenda. lindz and i set up my room, for the most part, and kj and i went out to dinner with tracy and jay. it was a wonderful day :) unfortunately, saturday sucked. i was in pain, and tired, and soooooooo crabby. i turned into an awful dragon lady. and poor amy got to witness it along with my girls, and kj. ugh. i'm embarrassed. once again, it only lasted a day, and on sunday i was much better. not sure what i'm going to try this week to combat it all. maybe go into hiding? with a lot of advil. cuz tylenol sure wasn't cutting it.

i'm glad sunday was a feel good day, though, because that was the big bday party day. which, let me just start off by saying, was made 1000 times easier by the fact that we had our house cleaned on wednesday (thank you again to the amazing cousins!!!). i will never ever throw another party without getting my house cleaned. it was soooo much easier. i love it. and the party went well. we did a tinkerbell theme this year, and symma loved it. i'll have pics up on my flickr page some time this week, i hope! i can't believe she's 5 already. the time has gone so fast!

monday i took izzy back to daycare for the first time since june. she did really well. a bit too well if you ask me- she didn't even care when i left! she could at least have shed a tear or 2 for her old mom, couldn't she? she went again today, and did fabulously again. i'm really glad that she has fun there- symma was always a really hard drop off and it broke my heart. though it was good to feel needed :) oh well, i know izzy loves me- when i pick her up at the end of the day i get big hugs and kisses. and that can't be beat!

tonight we had symma's back-to-school social. which is also *my* back-to-school social. ugh. i can' believe it's here already. but it was good to see my students. they were very happy to see some hair on my head :) and the social always gets me going for the coming year. so, now i'll start making name tags, and planning lessons for the first week. which is going to be a very interesting first week. i typically stay at school till 6 or so every night for the first week or 2 getting my schedule figured out, and planning, and organizing, etc... between chemo, and pt, and boob appts that is not going to be an option. i have to be out by 4 every day! i'm not sure what i'm going to do... i'll be a giant ball of stress, that's for sure!

speaking of boobs, i'm getting near the end of the fillings, i think. my doctor says it's completely up to me, but in his opinion, one or 2 more should do the trick. i have to start trying on some of my work clothes to see if i like the way they look or not. unfortunately, i've gained so much weight this summer, that i'm not going to like the way anything looks, so this could prove to be interesting. blurg.

i'm also nearing the end of my pt. i have almost complete range of motion on my right side, and am just a tad behind on my left due to the infection i had. i have moved into resistance training with a band, rather than just stretching, and will be going into weights next week. as much as i like my physical therapist, i guess it will be good not to have to fit in those appts anymore...

tomorrow is taxol treatment number 3. i'm looking for reading suggestions. anyone got a light, casual, non-educational book idea for me? something to keep my mind off of chemo... that i can still follow when i'm high on benedryl... if you get your suggestions in fast enough, i may be able to get to the library tomorrow so i can start it :) otherwise, i'll just be bringing a stack of magazines that i've been neglecting. or maybe i'll bring the camera/laptop and catch up on some photo editing and downloading. in any event, tomorrow's chemo day, so i get to start the cycle all over again. let's hope this one goes w/o a day of pain!

2 down...

...10 to go :) got my chemo yesterday... along with a dose of steroids that kept me up on facebook and reading my book till at least midnight, and then woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed at 4 freaking 25 am. ugh. i'm so going to hit a wall tonight. and i even took my ativan last night so this wouldn't happen. may have to take 2 next week. blurg.

anywho, all went well in treatment. they gave me an oral dose of benedryl (instead of iv- which knocked me on my butt last week if you remember!), and while it made me a bit floopy at first, by the end of treatment i was all good. i got home *late* though. went in at 3:30pm for lab work, and didn't get home till after 7:30pm. i'm trying to get a good schedule set up for when school starts... but symma wasn't too happy that i missed getting her ready for bed. i came home as the last story was being read. the nurses have told me that the first 2 take the longest, so hopefully this will get better as the treatments go on.

i have a busy couple of days coming up, so i'm going to try to premedicate for the muscle/bone pain. (elliot- what do you think- tylenol, or be brave and take advil? ) last week i did great on thursday, but had a baaaad friday. and i am booked solid tomorrow, so no time for that! lindz is going to come to school to help me set up my classroom during the day, and then we're going out to dinner with friends in the evening.

but before i can get to tomorrow, i have to get through today. i have pt at 8am (poor lindz has to get up to come babysit. i owe her a vacation when i'm done with all this!). then i'm taking the girls shopping for symma's party supplies- she'll be *5* on monday!!! so we're having the big party on sunday and i have yet to order her cake. as a matter of fact, i don't even know what kind of cake/decorations she wants this year! after that, i'm trying to con my sis into coming back to babysit because we have a *new baby in our posse*!!!!!! kj and i want to try to go visit before dinner, because then i have support group after dinner. busy, busy, busy. no time for being sick!

on to the thank you's for the week:

my auntie mary brought us dinner this week: homeade mac n cheese and salad from her garden! yummy!

dad and jill have been watching the girls. a lot. thank you for my day of nothing yesterday!! and for all the other days, too :)

my mom's friend glen and his daughter amy sent me the sweetest "angel of healing". she's so pretty :) and she's even holding a little baby animal, so she's very "me". love it. thank you so much for all of your notes and support through all of this!

i have continued to get notes in the mail from people all the time- i have a huge box of them! i can flip through whenever i'm feeling down. it's great!

and we had our house cleaned yesterday. just in time for symma's party. it looks fabulous!! i have vowed to turn over a new leaf and work really hard to keep it clean between the cleanings. i don't have much faith in myself in that area, but i'm going to try *really* hard!! anyone know of any biodegradable, possibly flushable, non-toxic, but worthy of cleaning a bathroom wipes that i can use? i'm told if you keep cleaning wipes in the bathroom you're more apt to clean it... and we have 3 freaking bathrooms, so i can use all the help i can get :) thank you sooooooo much beth, laura, and katie!!!!! i cannot tell you how good it was to get home from chemo last night and be able to flop on the couch with no guilt. love you!!

and, of course, i need to send continued thanks to julie, lindz, and my mom who have continued to cover kid care for me. often on a last minute basis. i can't imagine trying to do an hour of pt with my girls running around the office.

so, on to today- my chai is in hand, and i'm raring to go :) and izzy thinks she should be up now, too. she'll wait till the chai has been properly enjoyed, though, i think ;)

taxol

so far, i gotta say, while it's not horrible, it's not that fun, either. i felt great on wednesday and thursday, but friday was pretty bad. i was really tired, and blah all morning, and then as the day progressed i got more and more sore. by 4pm all of my skin hurt and my muscles and bones were *really* ache-y. saturday was a good day, though, and really the worst of it only lasted 5 hours or so, so i guess i'm better than i could be :) today has been really blah. i don't really feel well, but i can't put a finger on why exactly. i'm not nauseous, but i don't want to eat much. my chest is killing me (possible histamine reaction?), and my back hurts. but, all things considered, i shouldn't complain- it could be much worse!

i've got a pretty busy week coming up, so i'm hoping to feel pretty good. lots of dr's appts, and physical therapy, as well as my last couple of playdates for the summer. i can't believe how fast time flies! my dad and jill are taking the girls for 3 days this week, lindsay and i are setting up my classroom on friday, and we're having symma's bday party next weekend, and then izzy starts back at daycare on the 24th... i'm really looking forward to tuesday- i am going to have the house all to myself for the whole day- and i'm going to watch all of the movies i kept putting aside all summer :) and i'm going to sleep late, and not get dressed. and i'm not going to feel guilty about it! especially since i have to go get chemo the next day and start the crud all over again.

so, i'm doing okay. i'm not feeling all that upbeat or positive at the moment- i'm just really sick of being sick. but i also know that i should be happy to be where i am in this journey. things could be a lot worse. but, feel free to send me some attagirls- you guys always make me feel better- plus, if you comment, i know you're reading :)

thanks for all of my cards and notes- i get so many i can't keep up with who they're all from. but i know my aunt peggy and uncle mike have me on their minds a lot, and i so appreciate it :) kj's auntie alice has been thinking about us a lot, too, and we've gotten such sweet notes (and today a phone call!) from her. and kate made us dinner again last week, which was fabulous :)

and then there's kj's cousins- they've gotten us some cleaning help, and i cannot even tell you how grateful we are. they are coming for the first time on wednesday, so i'll fill you all in on how amazing it is at that point. but i know without a doubt that beth, laura, and katie are amazing people for wanting to help us out this way. and we appreciate it more than you can imagine!! thank you sooooo much!

i'm going to stop feeling sorry for myself now, and get my girls ready for bed. here's hoping to a week that's "a walk in the park" like i've been promised :)

the countdown begins

good news today- i got my CT results, and all is well :) no surprises/changes since my last one. yay! i also was able to start chemo, so while i really, really am not looking forward to starting this again, at least i'm on my last leg now. officially. 1 down, 11 to go.

when you get chemo, they administer a bunch of pre-meds to help your body process the toxins better/more easily. my pre-meds include an anti-nausea (zofran), a steroid (to make the zofran work better), benedryl (to combat a possible allergic reaction to the drug), and pepcid (also to combat an allergic reaction). the pre-meds take about 15 minutes to administer, and are hung on the iv pole and go through my port. just like my chemo. the chemo (taxol) takes about 90 minutes to administer. so overall, i'll be in the chair for about 2 hours each week. i will also have labs drawn each week to monitor my blood counts, so i'll get to the hospital at 3:30pm, hopefully start chemo around 4:30pm (though they're typically backed up and running late- over an hour today!), and get done around 6:30pm. that should get me home in time to help with bedtime.

somehow i managed to block out that i had benedryl administered through my iv when i was in the hospital with my infection and had a bad reaction to it- got all loopy/high and slept for 4 hours straight in the middle of the day. they gave me the benedryl in my pre-meds today and the same thing happened. only i didn't go to sleep, cuz i had to drive home and stuff. i was so high i had to stay an extra hour getting saline pumped in me to try and sober me up. ugh. not sure what we're going to do to fix this problem. perhaps lower the dosage... perhaps take it orally because that doesn't have the same effect on me. gotta talk to my doc about that.

so, i'm home now, and have had dinner. i went to the hospital at 10am, and didn't get home till 4:30pm. i was scheduled for 10am with my oncologist, and 11am for my chemo. i didn't even get to chemo till quarter to 12, and then didn't get a chair till 1pm. and i only got it then because heather (my friend/neighbor/chemo nurse) worked some magic and got me in. timeliness is not their best quality. but everyone there is so nice, and i always bring a book with me, so at least i have some nice reading time :) in any event, i'm resting at home while kj has the girls out at a park since i'm still useless from my benedryl experience. the good news is that i didn't have an allergic reaction to the taxol, so i can continue my treatments as planned.

okay, 1 down, 11 to go. and they promised me that this will not be as hard as the last round. i'm holding them to that!

this just in...

...from the surgeon's office:

1) as of wednesday i can pick up my izzy again :) hoooooraaaaay!!!

2) i can drive again :) yipppeeee!

3) all of my stickers, tapes, and bandages are now removed. whew!

also, i got my first "fill-up" today. the doctor says he's guessing i'll need 3 or 4 more depending on how it all settles in my chest/ribs/muscles... then i let them "rest" for 3-6 months, and then do the swap. so, i've got a way to go on the boobs. but, as i said yesterday, i can sleep on my side again, so that helps. i gotta say, the fill up is weird. parts of it hurt, parts of it just felt weird. the whole area is still bruised and battered inside, so the pushing and prodding isn't great. of course, when i told him it hurt, his response was "great! that means the nerves are starting to work again!" somehow i don't see it *quite* the same way ;)

i don't get my CT results till wednesday. will fill you all in on that later... right now, i'm doing the happy dance because i get to take care of my girls again. anyone want to schedule a playdate??

healing well

hello all :)

i have continued to heal well... my drains are all out, and i'm feeling pretty good :) i'm still sore, and working on regaining my range of motion. right now my right arm is doing really well. the left arm is a bit behind, due to the infection, but my physical therapist thinks that i'll get back to 100% with some work.

the good news is that i am able to sleep on my side again! hurray! now that the drains are out i can move a bit more freely. i'm able to wear normal clothes again, too :) so, at least i'm regaining some sense of normalcy :)

i still have a 10lb weight limit, so my mom is still helping out with the girls during the week. they've been having a good time with each other, but i think poor gma is getting tired. i'm really looking forward to taking care of my girls on my own again, but i'm told it will be about another 3 weeks. ugh.

tomorrow i have a follow-up CT scan and lab work. i'm hoping for no surprises. if all goes well, then i can start chemo again on wednesday. so, cross your fingers for everything to be as expected... if i start chemo on wednesday, and don't have to push any of the treatments back due to low bloodcounts, then i'll be done with all of this by halloween :) i am *really* hoping for that!

1 more down, 1 to go :)

i got another drain out today :) yay! my doctor says that everything looks really good- i'm healing well. the little spot that he thought he may have to "trim and re-sew" looks healed, and my lymph node incisions are doing well. the last drain that's left is the one that had the infection. it's still draining quite a bit each day, though it seems to be on a downward trend. i'll call back on thursday with my drain numbers, and may get it out at that point. if not, hopefully monday.

on monday afternoon i have blood work and a follow-up CT scan. hopefully i'll start chemo again on wednesday. it will all depend on my lab work. i can't start chemo until my blood work has returned to normal from surgery.

i'm feeling good :) the benedryl makes me *sleeeeeepy* but other than that i'm okay. i'm back off of my pain meds, and just taking tylenol a few times each day. the benedryl is crazy, though! i take it and within a few minutes i'm ready for bed. i don't know how kids can take it!

i think that we may try to go school supply shopping tomorrow through my benedryl haze. symma needs to be ready for K5! and there are some things that i need to get for my classroom, as well. should be entertaining... me and mom, symma and izzy loose in target. look out world, here we come! i don't have much else on my schedule for the rest of the week.

it's very frustrating to be home, but completely unable to care for my own kids! i'm so glad to have them home, so i can see them and talk to them, but i am mostly just an observer. it's rather obnoxious. but since i really don't want to have to do this again, i'm listening to my doctors and following directions. and my mom and my sister are pretty hardcore nurses- it's easier for me to be away from the kids than it is to sit there and not be able to do anything! not that i'm complaining about them being here- we all need to get back on a regular schedule and a regular life, it's just hard not to be able to do anything. i can't wait until i feel normal again!!

the weekend

it's been pretty low-key at the polewski household this weekend. i've been really tired, and pretty sore, so we haven't done much. kj and i went to the farmers market yesterday morning, and last night we did go over to julie and joel's for a little bit, so that was nice :) and we went to church this morning, so i haven't been a *complete* hermit.

there's not much new to report... i have a doctor's appt tomorrow with my plastic surgeon. i'm hoping to get rid of the drain on my right side. i don't think they'll be able to take the drain out of the infected side, yet because there's still a lot of action going on over there. i think when the drains are gone i'll feel a lot better. at least that's my hope. it's really annoying having to shower with them around my neck, and empty them twice each day, and strip them constantly so they don't get clogged. plus they're just gross to look at/think about.

the girls were with my dad and jill this weekend, after spending the week with my mom. they're on their way home right now. i'm excited to see them. but i feel bad, because i really can't do anything but look at them. i can't really play with them, and i can't get izzy in or out of anything. plus the drugs are making me soooooooooooo tired. i don't have the energy to do anything with them. ugh. but i'll be glad to see their smiling faces and get hugs :) and maybe we'll be able to take a walk after dinner.

this week my mom will be doing the nannying thing again. here's hoping it goes better this week (this was also the plan for last week, but i ended up in the hospital instead)! she'll come over in the morning and leave when kj gets home from work. symma has a birthday party to go to on friday, but other than that and a couple of doctor's appts there's not too much on the schedule. i think my mom has a playdate planned for symma on one of the days... and i feel like mom and lindz are taking the girls on a field trip on wednesday somewhere, but i don't remember where...

thanks so much to my visitors- in the hospital and at home :) it's good to see everyone from the outside world! and once again, thanks to amy and lindz for taking care of me in the hospital- and gil, too :) i don't know what i would do without such an amazing circle of people helping us out all of the time. though i must say, i can't wait until i don't need the help anymore!

i've gotten so many nice cards and letters. i really do appreciate them. i have also gotten some very nice gift cards from peggy and mike, and darin and melissa, and julie and joel... thanks so much!!

let's hope i get at least one drain out tomorrow afternoon. keep your fingers crossed :)