thursday

well, i'm still in the hospital. but i think i'm on the mend. my infection moved to a different section of my breast, and therefore there was a lot more swelling in that area. my doctor decided to continue treating me with the iv antibiotics, but also add benedryl to my laundry list of meds. his thought is that this may not be an infection. it may be my body is reacting to the drain and/or expander and producing histamine to fight it off. the benedryl's job is to put the histamine to sleep. those of you that know me well know that symma went through this whole "histamine cyle" a couple of summers ago when she was fighting hives. she developed a temporary allergy to cold- yes i mean low temperatures- and every time we'd walk into air conditioning, or go swimming, or walk through the freezer section at the grocery store she'd break into hives. so apparently our bodies produce histamine to fight off invaders. in my case i guess the invader is the drain. or perhaps the initial infection from the drain. in symma's case the initial invader was a super high fever. it took us 6 months of benedryl and zyrtec to get her histamine to go to sleep. let's hope mine goes faster, or my boob may explode!!

once again, i have to say that the nursing staff here is amazing. every nurse i've had has been so sweet, and chatty. they all have been very concerned about me and do everything they can to keep me comfy and happy :) it'll be a little sad to go home and not have someone to answer my every bidding ;)

the food here sucks. so mom and lindz brought me dinner from noodles & co. that was awesome. first good meal i've had since monday! and i just found out that i'm not NPO for tonight, which means two things: 1) i can eat and drink whenever i wake up, and 2) they aren't planning on doing surgery for anything tomorrow. these are both good things :0)

i've continued to have lots of visitors, which is wonderful. i didn't have a full-time babysitter today, which is good because within 10 minutes of my benedryl (given through the iv the first time, and then orally in pill form from then on) i fell asleep. for like 4 hours. it was *crazy*

i'm doing well, though, and i think i may go home tomorrow, but we'll see!

xoxoxo

mer

infection

so, i'm back at the hospital. i started to have increasing pain around my drain site on monday. as the day progressed, the pain got worse. by about 6pm i was at my friend heather's house (the nurse) getting her opinion. she said she thought i should page my on-call doctor. so i did. it took about an hour, but the doctor did call back, and he said that he thought i'd be okay till morning. another friend suggested that kj circle the part that was red around my drain (about a 2 inch circle) so that we could decide if the infection was spreading. by 9:30pm i was in so much pain, and starting to shake/shiver, so amy took me to the ER.

since i had already talked to the on-call doc, i didn't have to suffer in the ER as long as everyone else. they saw me within an hour, and decided that i should start an oral antibiotic and go see my doctor in the office at 8am. so, amy took me to the pharmacy to fill my prescription and then took me back home. i was home about midnight. by this time i was in so much pain that i was crying, and took my oxycodone for the first time since a few days after surgery.

i had a crappy night of sleep, and amy took me to the doctor in the morning (mom took the girls). when we got to the doctor, he was in surgery, but his fabulous nurse that i love took a look at me. she called dr. hijjawi in surgery and they decided to admit me for iv antibiotics. amy brought me to the hospital and they had me in a room about 9:30am. in lots of pain.

i wasn't allowed to eat or drink anything in case they need to do surgery to clean out the infection. so i was quite dehydrated, and my pain meds had run out at 8am. since i had the bilateral mastectomy, they don't like to use my arms for iv's. so they spent the next couple of hours trying to get an iv in my foot. which they couldn't do because i was dehydrated. which they couldn't fix because they couldn't give me any fluids by mouth, and they couldn't get an iv in. it was a vicious circle. after 3 hours of ridiculous amounts of pain (waaaaay worse than surgery, since surgery involved an epidural and a pain pump), they finally got the okay to use my arm for an iv. that went very well. at the same time, dr. hijjawi decided that i would not be having surgery yet, and i could eat and drink. so as they were doing the iv, they were able to give me pain meds, and order lunch for me.

by yesterday afternoon, i was feeling fairly decent. the pain meds were working, and i was comfortable in the bed. i wasn't able to walk around at all, because every time i moved it burned like i was being struck by lightening, but sitting still was fine. i had a bit more pain in the evening, but they gave me lots of meds that helped me sleep comfortably, so that was good.

today i have a lot of pain, but they do think the infection is getting better. and it can take 24-48 hours to start feeling better. the doctors are pretty sure i'll be going home tomorrow. i have had a ton of visitors already which is so nice. i'm pretty much never alone :) my nurses are awesome, too, so i'm doing well :)

thanks so much for all the good vibes and well wishes... i'll keep you up to date :)

Friday

hello all :)

things are continuing to go well... yesterday i got 2 of my drains out (2 to go!) and started physical therapy. my doctors are happy with how things are healing, and i've been off of my oxycodone and just taking tylenol for the past few days. i'm feeling good :)

i also was able to go to my support group meeting last night (i'm not allowed to drive, yet, so kj drove me there and my dad picked me up), so that was good. lindz and i are going to see harry potter today... hooray!

the girls have been with my mom all week, and i think the poor woman is exhausted. i've been talking to the girls each day, and kj went to put them to bed last night. they've been having lots of fun with gma- they even had a playdate yesterday with their cousins :) today she's bringing the girls here and my dad is picking them up for the weekend. and then on sunday they're coming back here to stay :) and mom will be here as "the nanny" during the day, since i still can't lift izzy.

while my mom has been watching my girls, my sister has been watching me. it's been really nice spending time with her- even though i feel totally guilty about her wasting her whole day here. but she's been a huge help- making me chai, and lunch, helping me get dressed, coming to my appts with me... all kinds of stuff. i've been waited on hand and foot- and i'm really trying not to get used to it!!

my mom took symma to the jelly belly factory on wednesday, so lindz went and watched izzy at her house. then gil came to watch me. i'm surrounded by babysitters :) he brought me chai and a brownie. it was wonderful :)

yesterday my friend lauren came to visit me- and she brought me flowers and homeade soup :) it was so nice to be able to sit and talk like grown-ups without the kids jumping in. i'm loving being able to have whole conversations with people!! though, again- i'm trying not to get used to it because my babies are coming home soon :) and i miss them and their snuggles!!

on to thank you's:

gpa and jeff- thanks so much for my gift- i can't wait to go shopping- and gpa, thank you so much for coming to visit me!

the mt. tabor group- you are so generous, and kind to think of me- thank you so much for the gift card and your good thoughts :)

dan, mary, adam, and michelle- thanks for my beautiful flowers :) i love them- and it was so nice to get flowers delivered to me!

lindz- thank you for babysitting me- i hate feeling like a burden, but i'm glad you're here :)

gil- same goes for you- thanks for being hubby number 2 :)

mom, dad, and jill- thank you so much for taking care of the girls. i feel so comfortable knowing that they're with you. they love you, and so do we :) i know how exhausting they can be, so i know we owe you big!!

dad and jill- thanks for my "happiness" angel- she's adorable :)

beth, katie, and laura- thank you is not enough. i cannot get over your generosity, and cannot express how much we appreciate your gift.

and a semi-belated thank you goes out to my family- you waited a looooong time the waiting room for me last week. thanks for being there- for me and for each other. i'm so lucky to have so many people that love me. and care enough to show it!

9 years and counting

today is our anniversary. our real one- though i still count our first kiss, and engagement as anniversaries, so kj's always confused :) but 9 years ago today, i made the smartest decision in my life and married the best man in the world. he has taken care of me through many little breakdowns, that i thought were huge at the time, and has stepped up in a way that i never would have thought i deserved in the face of the biggest challenge of my life. i won't say it's the biggest challenge in *his* life, because unfortunately, kj has had far too many terrible experiences, but i will say that cancer has been a crazy ride for us both. and he has been amazing. both as a father and a husband. he has taken care of everything. so well that at times i question my necessity in the house. and then i thank my lucky stars that i have him, and the girls have him.

so, while i'm sitting here in a camisole with drain pockets filled with drains filled with bodily fluids, hoping for a shower where my husband will have to hold my drains, and look at 4 incisions and 4 punctures in my extremely creepy looking chest, i feel lucky.

i am married to my best friend. the man whose eyes have gotten me through two child births, and a wedding. the man who can hold my hand and look into my eyes and make me forget that bad things are happening. the man that makes me feel safe, and happy every time he walks through our door. the man that *always* gives me at least 4 kisses- and sometimes 6- but never 3 or 5. the man i fit perfectly with. i am lucky. and i hope he always knows that i know it...

happy anniversary my prince-

day.... ummmm 6?

i'm cancer free!!!!!! i got my final pathology reports today and they were all negative! hooray!! all 6 nodes they removed were clear, and there were no new masses. the tumor that we had been watching and had shrunk to 5ml hadn't grown or changed at all, even though i hadn't had chemo in 2 months :) yay!!

i will still have 12 rounds of taxol- to make sure that any stray cells floating around in my body are taken care of. what i learned with the whole bone scare last month is that cancer *can* travel w/o leaving evidence in the lymph nodes... it travels in the blood. so the lymph nodes are a marker, not a promise. but it's good that there's no *evidence* of it traveling in my nodes.

i finally got my oncologist to enter me into "the equation" that he has for my recurrence percentage. basically, if i had had no chemo, and just surgery, there was a 20-30% chance of it coming back. the chemo knocks that to about 10-15%, and my body's reaction to the chemo lowers it even more :) yay!!! love it, love it. i mean there's probably a 10% chance of a lot of things happening to me- including winning the lottery, but that's not something i'm willing to bank on- i'm still working ;)

thank you all for all of your cards- i love them :) and i got to spend the afternoon chatting with my friend deyana, and she brought us dinner which i'm about to go eat with symma and kj. izzy's still with my mom. she just doesn't get the whole "being gentle" thing. she's soooooo happy when she sees me, and she doesn't get it that i can't hold her.

love to you all :)

day 3

another good day :) i went for a walk outside, saw my dad and jill, and my gpa, and my mom... plus heather came over to check on my drains because i thought one was clogged. turns out all is well.

tomorrow i'm going to the plastic surgeon. i'm hoping to get rid of the pain pump (it's out of med and just hanging there annoying me) and 2 of my drains (they've slowed down a lot). i will be excited if i can drop some of my extra extremities :)

i'm feeling a bit lost right now. i'm not sure what to do with myself... i don't feel sick- just sore and tired, so i feel guilty sitting around like a slug. my girls aren't here and tomorrow my sister is coming to hang out with me. i guess we'll just watch tv and stuff. my garden needs weeding, and i need to pack up izzy's clothes that she's grown out of, but i think i'll let that wait for a day or 2. i'm really trying to acknowledge the fact that my chest hurts and take things slow.

so, let's hope for losing some drains tomorrow :)

day 2

i had a good day today. i was pretty sore when i woke up since i didn't take any meds during the night. but my pain meds work fairly quickly, so it didn't last too long.

kj's a real trooper- he's helped me empty my drains, and keep track of all of my meds and stuff. tomorrow morning he gets to help me shower. which, i promise you, will not be at all entertaining. poor guy!

the girls were with dad and jill yesterday and last night. i did get to see symma at the hospital for a couple of minutes. then kj picked them up today and took them to the waukesha county fair. my mom came to my house and babysat me. i keep telling everyone that i'm okay to watch myself, but no one will listen.

i had lots of visitors today :) nikki and her mom, kathy, my gpa and uncle jeff, julie, and my mom. and i opened my package from kenny's wonderful and sweet cousins- chocolate and a travel book!! thanks!! julie and darin and missy got me gift cards for new undies- i'm going to have so much fun shopping for my new chest :)

when kj was done at the fair he brought the girls back here and i got to see them. hurray!! izzy wasn't nearly as rough as we feared. and i just missed them and put my foot down and said they weren't going to my mom's without seeing me first. i blocked my chest off with pillows- which the girls promptly moved out of the way so that they could see my owies. and they weren't grossed out by them, just curious. i was sooooo happy to see them. it was nice to get hugs and smooches from my girls. and izzy still knew who i was, so that made me happy.

now the girls are at my mom's and kj and i have spent the evening on the couch catching up on some tivo'd stuff. we are *way* behind! thanks for all of the phone calls, notes, and continued good thoughts!! love you all :)

home sweet home

hello everybody :)

i'm home... not really sure how i feel about that. i really wanted to stay till tomorrow morning. but the more i thought about it and listened to the doctors, the better i felt about coming home. their point was that they really weren't doing anything for me anymore. so, here's how it went...

wednesday morning kj took me to the hospital at 5:30am. the thoracic block team came in to talk to me about their procedure. basically they were giving me an epidural higher in my back - so rather than having my abdomen and legs numb (like when i had my babies) i had a numb band around my chest. they told me that they would be leaving the epidural in over night to help avoid taking narcotics. there is apparently some preliminary research that has shown that avoiding narcotics when your immune system is down (right after surgery) lowers the chance of recurrence. that made me happy, and kj and i decided that the benefit of a lower recurrence rate outweighed the risk of the epidural. and the epidural went really well :)

they took me away from kj (about 7:30am) to give me the epidural which was *really* hard- he's been with me for my past epidurals, and i was really scared. but the block team was really sweet and both of the doctors held my hands and wiped my face and helped me relax, so it was all good. i'd still rather have had my hubby though!

after that i don't really remember much. i know they brought kj back for a little while and then sent him away and wheeled me somewhere, but i think i fell asleep on the way. and then i woke up in the recovery room at 3:10pm. and the nice doctor from the block team was still there holding my hand. he stayed with me for about an hour till they were able to take me to my real room. i think i got there about 4:30pm.

and then they brought my kj in!! and he was so happy... they told him (and the rest of the fam: mom, dad, jill, lindz, and erik) that they had removed the breasts and couldn't even find my tumor! they had also taken out 6 lymph nodes (4 on the cancer side and 2 on the healthy side) and initial pathology on them was clear :)

so, all the news so far is good. i will meet with the plastic surgeon on monday, and the cancer surgeon on tuesday. by tuesday we're hoping to have the final pathology results. right now there is no reason to believe that the cancer has spread at all, so i am a happy camper :)

i have 3 incisions on each side. one large incision (about 3 inches per side) where they scooped out all the bad and put in the expander. then i have 2 smaller incisions on each side- maybe 1-2 inches each. the top incisions are where they took out the lymph nodes and the bottom incision is where my drains and pain pump are attached. i have 2 drains on each side and one pain tube on each side. the pain tube is connected to a little ball filled with medicine that is time released directly into my wound. we think the medicine is kind of like novocaine and will last for about 5 days or so. i'm also taking an antibiotic and oral pain meds. i'm taking 1 oxycodone every 4-5 hours with tylenol in between. the pain is more of an ache than a pain. much like chemo, i was expecting it to be much worse.

thank you soooo much for all of your notes, and happy thoughts, and prayers. i've had some wonderful friends come and visit me already, and it was fabulous to laugh with them. not to mention my parents and lindz and erik and kj all waiting for me during my surgery.

there are so many thank you's this week, i don't know where to start:

julie- thanks for watching the girls during my mapping

lindz- thanks for coming to my mapping with me :)

amy- thank you so much for watching my girls on tuesday and wednesday... i couldn't have done this without you!

shawon, amy/linda/vicki, and lindsey- thank you for my beautiful flowers. i love, love, love them!!

amy- my taffy jar is adorable and yummy, and i devoured my cookie :)

e- thanks for my chocolate cookie :)

tracy, amy, lindsey, shawon, heather, lindsay, mom, dad, jill, erik, gpa, jeff, mona, and kathy- thanks so much for visiting me- you helped the time go by much faster!!

megan- thanks for setting me up with the best nurses and techs! i had amazing nurses taking care of me. they were all so helpful and caring.

mom, dad, and jill- thank you for watching my girls so that kenny and lindz can focus on me. and thank you for taking care of me, when your not taking care of my girls.

i love you all, and can't tell you how happy i am to be able to write this post. i was really scared of surgery, but i've made it through, and am not in nearly as much pain as i expected. it's all easy going from here :)

the big day

so tomorrow's the big surgery. i'm not looking forward to it, but i'm looking forward to it being finished- if you know what i mean.

i had my sentinel node mapping today, and while it certainly wasn't pleasant, i lived through it. basically, it felt like 3 big 'ol bee stings in each nipple. yippee. lindz came with me but they wouldn't let her stay during the injections. the nurse held my hand instead... i'm glad lindz came along. they let her sit with me after the injections while they watched the tracers move through to my lymph nodes. now i have little magic marker x's on my boobs. tomorrow i get to write "yes" on the boobs i want them to remove... that would be both of them. not sure why that's confusing, but if they need me to spell it out i will!! :)

amy came over and watched the kids today so i could do all my last minute stuff. there was a lot of last minute stuff because i am a giant procrastinator. but it's done. or at least as done as it's getting. then i took the kids over to julie's so lindz and i could go to my mapping appt. thank goodness i have such amazing friends in my life, or i wouldn't have made it this far.

so, tomorrow's schedule looks like this: i have to be at the hospital at 5:30am. they will be doing a thoracic epidural before the surgery begins. that will help avoid using narcotics after the surgery, which tend to be strong and make me sick. my surgery is scheduled for 8:30am. it takes about 4 hours to take them off, and then 2 1/2 more to put them back on. makes for a long day for my family in the waiting room... i wish there was a way they could all be put out, too!

lindsay will be updating my facebook status throughout the day, and kj will have his cell phone if there's coverage in the hospital. if i can type, i'll try to post something here tomorrow evening.

thank you so much for all of the good thoughts, healthy vibes, and prayers you've been sending my way. here's to hoping that i have clean margins and clear lymph nodes... if so, the next post i'm writing will be cancer-free!! lots of love to you all :)

4th of july

hello :)

i am feeling good, and enjoying summer, so i decided that i would post some pics from the weekend...

on friday we went to the zoo with a bunch of my friends from neeskara, then saturday we went to the farmers market with jenna and michelle, and lindz and erik, and in the evening we went to the fireworks with my mom. izzy didn't like them very much :( poor thing. anyway, hope you like the pictures :)

new surgery date

hello :)  

i talked to my surgeon's scheduler, and we're a go for july 15th (a wednesday).  i have to be there at 6:30am, and the surgery is scheduled for 8:30am.  

on tuesday the 14th at 3pm i will go in for the sentinel node procedure.  then i'll come home and go back in the am.

other than that, all is well...  hope you're all doing well, too!