where'd it go?

i got to have chemo today :)  i was convinced that i was too sick and they were going to send me away and have to push everything back, but my counts were good! yay!  so i had my *last* chemo in this round.  i mean, i do have to go back on saturday for the rest of it, and then go for the neulasta shot on sunday, but after that, no more chemo till late july!  yay!

the better news is that neither the resident, or the oncologist could find my tumor today!!!!! they literally could not find anything to measure :)  it means the chemo combo they picked has certainly done it's job.  i still have to have surgery and the scheduled chemo after to kick anything else out, but this is really good news :)  and it means the chance of recurrence goes down, too.  though no one can really give numbers on that.  in any event, it's good :)  

so here's my crazy june schedule:  breast mri on the 11th, pre-op appt with cancer surgeon on the 15th, pre-op appt with plastic surgeon on the 18th, shoulder mri on the 18th (for what they assure me is unrelated pain), sentinel node procedure on the 24th, and surgery on the 25th.  oh yeah, and i have to do final tests and report cards for my kids and close down my classroom by the 17th.  that shouldn't be too hard ;)  

yay for no more tumor!  or at least nothing but a tiny tumor!  i'm feeling much sunnier now. thank you all for sending your good vibes my way.  hopefully they'll keep the pity party from returning :)  and would you people comment for goodness sake????  i feel like i'm only writing to my mom, and peggy and mikaely- is anyone else out there????  not that i don't love you ladies, but i could update you just as easily in a little email :)  and uncle lloyd- i love you :)

pity party

so, it's almost midnight and i can't sleep.  all i do lately is sleep, but tonight, i can't.  and because i can't sleep, i'm throwing myself my own personal pity party.  and izzy is joining in on occasion, which just keeps the cycle going.  i just found out that i won't be able to lift my arms after surgery.  for months.  and not just because it will hurt, but because the muscles won't be able to do it.  i'm going to need physical therapy.

how am i going to pick up my baby??  and hug my husband who is a foot taller than me?  and i'm not going to be able to sleep on my side- for months.  which means that kj won't be able to hold me so that i can fall asleep.   for months.  i'm going to have to reorganize my kitchen and my refrigerator.  and my closet.  

i'm not sure what sitting and crying about it is going to help.  but that's what i've been doing. because that's something else i'm really good at lately.  crying.  like a dork.  what good is it?  all it does is pull out more eyelashes.  

this whole situation gets more assinine as the days go by.  not only is it cancer, but it's the most aggressive kind.  oh and you need chemo- lots of it.  more than normal people- let's do it twice a week.  and lets have surgery a week after school gets out.  surgery that will take 3 months to recover from.  just in time to go back to school.  and at some point in there, we'll restart chemo too.  but that chemo isn't the bad one- it'll just make me tired.  tired.  cuz i'm not there, yet?  i'm so tired that i can't play with my kids.  i sit and do nothing- watch tv or futz on the computer.  and then i take a 3 hour nap.  and on the days i actually do stuff, i pay for it the next day.  

i'm putting it out there.  cancer sucks.  and i know i have to think positively.  and i know that it's all about attitude.  but it sucks.  and i'm tired.   and i'm not going to be able to lift my babies, or hug my husband, or get cuddled at night for months.  and for those reasons, i'm allowing myself a midnight pity party.  i'll try harder tomorrow...

noodle

omg.  i just got back from an afternoon at the spa.  i may never ask for another gift again.   just spa gift certificates.  for the rest of my life.  i had a massage and a pedicure and i am now a giant noodle.  it is marvelous.  crazy ridiculous expensive, but wonderful nonetheless :)  

also, i got my first dozen roses- and it wasn't from kj!  one of my former students (now a fifth grader) showed up in my room friday morning with a bouquet of red roses for me.  because she loves me and so does her mom.  how sweet is that???  symma says we should buy them flowers now, cuz "you love her too, right mommy?"  

my dad and jill have had symma since last night after dinner, and will have her till tomorrow afternoon and my mom has izzy overnight tonight.  this means kj and i have a child free house until lunchtime tomorrow.  

ahhhhhhh..... life is good.  

let's just pretend i'm not having chemo on wednesday :)

nothing exciting

i have to start with my thank you's from last week!  i can't believe i forgot them...  julie brought us pizza on wednesday night- yum!  and erika made us dinner on friday- it was fabulous, and izzy couldn't get enough :)  lindsay's bf vicki also made us dinner- it was frozen, so we were able to hang onto it a little longer.  i think we're going to eat it on thursday, but i'm sure it will be wonderful!  and my cousin amanda made us lasagna last week, or maybe 2 weeks ago now, and we all enjoyed it muchly.  my mom and amy babysat in shifts for us so that we could go to the wedding on friday afternoon/night- yay!  i think i got everyone... if not, i'll remember later and feel like a jerk, so if i forgot you, please consider yourself thanked :)  

not too much is going on at the moment in the cancer dept.  the nausea seems to have passed for the most part.  but i'm still super tired.  and i have weird pain in my joints that may or may not be from the neulasta shots.  i'll check on it with the docs when i go next week for my chemo. 

i have a cold starting, so i may take a day or so off from work this week so that i can rest and try not to get so sick that they'll have to push my chemo back.  next wednesday is the last of this round, and i will be super mad if i have to delay it.  that will mess with my surgery date and everything, too, so i really need to kick this cold before it gets out of hand.  

the newest decision i have to make is whether or not to have a sentinel node biopsy on both sides.  they will do one on the cancer side to see if it has spread, but the non-cancerous side is optional.  i'm not really sure what the downside is... i know that if i don't have it done, and they find cancer on my healthy side they can no longer do a sentinel node biopsy, so they'd have to remove all of the nodes on that side.  which isn't a good choice if you can avoid it.  so i think i'll have it done, but i have to make sure there isn't some weird downside that i'm not aware of.  i'll be putting that question out to the support group :)

and here's the craziest thing:  some of you know that i was introduced to my support group through a friend of mine from high school.  she was a year behind me in school, and when she heard about my diagnosis she got in touch with me and it turns out that she's a year ahead of me in the bc fight.  i thought that was pretty crazy- having 2 of us diagnosed from the same high school/circle of friends in our early 30's.  then i went back to support group last week and met kate.  we ended up "friending" each other on facebook, and when she looked at my profile she saw where i graduated from.  she graduated from hamilton a year ahead of me!  so now there are 3 of us- all in our early 30's, all with different types of bc, in the same support group 10+ years later.  maybe hamilton has bad water.  kate, by the way, had no idea that shannon went to school with us.  small world.  

i was able to go for a little walk today with izzy which was really nice.  i realized that this was the first walk i have taken with her.  when symma was this age (or around this age at least) we would go for walks to the corner and back every day, but things are obviously a bit different now.  plus she just started walking in december...  in any event she is a hoot to try to walk with. she squats down and wants to look at every ant she sees crawling, and every flower, and every blade of grass.  it took us quite a while to get to our destination- the giant lilac bushes that are about 3 blocks away.  lilacs are my favorites and i've been wanting to get to the bushes so badly before the blooms are gone- they're in full afternoon sun, so these come early and leave early.  i typically walk there every day in spring- obviously not this year.  but izzy and i got there today :)  she was very funny with the flowers- almost afraid of them.  she definitely didn't like them touching her face, and didn't seem to get how to smell them.  but she enjoyed the walk, and i enjoyed my flowers, and it was so nice to have some one-on-one time with her.  and i managed to give both girls a bath before bed, so that's good too :)  all in all a good day!

updates

hello all :)

sorry i've been absent- i know you've all been eagerly awaiting the decision on my new boobs :)  i've decided to go with a double mastectomy.  when i went to support group last week *all* of the women there cemented my gut instinct.  i knew i wanted them both gone from the moment that i was diagnosed, but the surgeons all were so positive about the health of my "healthy" side that i started to waver.  in any event, all the women that have gone through it told me to get it done and not think twice about it.  many of them started out with a single or lumpectomy and have since gone back to get the double done for various reasons.  none of the reasons were recurrence, but it still makes sense to me to get rid of them both and start over from scratch.  as for the DIEP vs. the implants, i'm still not completely sure.  i'm leaning toward the implants since i have to start with them anyway.  everyone in my family circle would prefer me to do less surgery than more, and i'm certainly not a glutton for punishment, so unless something goes really weird with the implants i think i'll stick with them.  

as for our trip next summer, i'm leaning in the california direction.  my aunt peggy and mikaely sure have good things to say, so it sounds good to me :)

i went to a wedding this weekend:)  it was a lot of fun, and i managed to hang till 11 or so... not too bad, though i typically close weddings down!  kj and i got to dance, and i got to dance with my gf's so all was good in meredith land.  

i'm still fighting with nausea.  this round seems to be hanging on longer than the others.  it usually hits in the afternoon pretty hard.  right around the time i'm done teaching.  but, it could be a lot worse, so i'm trying not to feel sorry for myself.

here's some helpful information for everyone:  when you're fighting cancer, you really don't want to hear every story of someone that had cancer.  people seem to think that's helpful.  except that all the stories seem to end with "and then she/he died".  or they're still fighting it years later.  i don't want to still  be fighting it years later.  i want this to be it.  i want to go through this one terrible year, and then put it behind me.  i don't want my kids to only know me as a sick mom.  i don't want to sleep through their lives.  i don't want to fight cancer for the next 15 years and then die anyway.  and i'm tired of people telling me about who they know that has had cancer.  cuz they're all dead.  and i have enough of that evidence in my own family.  since i was diagnosed i've lost my gma and my uncle.  enough already.  i understand that it kills people.  i'm afraid it's going to kill me.  i'm taking it seriously.  i don't need to hear any more stories of people dying.  even if they end with "but that won't happen to you- you're so much younger"  or "you have such a good outlook, you'll be okay".  if you want to tell me about someone that fought, and is still alive, and healthy, and not still fighting recurrences, great, i'd love to hear it.  but for goodness sake, stop telling me about dead people.  and this isn't going to anyone personally- i promise- just the world in general.  like the lady in the supermarket that sees that i'm bald and feels the need to tell me all about her 10 year struggle with 3 different kinds of cancer.  i don't need to hear it.  

okay- enough yelling.  yesterday my izzaboo had her first haircut.  and i managed not to cry like  crazy person, though i really wanted to.  she was such a good girl!!  she had watched kj and symma get theirs cut first, so i guess she knew what she was supposed to do :)  she sat perfectly still and looked in the mirror the whole time.  she now has a little bob like symma (who gave up on long hair and has her little bob back, too!).  of course, since izzy won't keep a barrette in, she'll still be wearing her sprout.  but the back is all one length now instead of mullet-y.  both my girls look very cute.  and kj was a good boy in the chair, too, and has a nice spring haircut to show off :)  

my mom's bday is tomorrow- happy bday marme :)  and my friend melissa (from support group) is having surgery tomorrow- i'll be thinking about you, honey- good luck!!  it seems like spring might finally be here this week- i saw 70 degrees in the forecast more than once in the next week.  we'll see!  i know the lilacs are blooming, so that makes me happy :)  

also, i'm annoyed that my pictures are loaded in backwards order.  you understand that the cutting occurred before the cute "after" pics, though, right?? :)

surgery

first off, don't forget to give us vacation suggestions in the post below :) i need something to look forward to! especially since i am going to be dealing with boob surgeries for the next year or so. ugh. it's crazy. you have no idea how many different ways there are to get boobs. and i have to decide by friday which way i'm going.

according to all of my doctors there is no clinical/statistical reason to have a double mastectomy. it will not lower my chances of recurrence or raise my chance of survival. that being said, they have all said that if i am going to have major anxiety about the "healthy" one for the rest of my life then i can have them both removed and move on.

let me try to condense the choices. this should be interesting. and if you're not interested in knowing the particulars of my new chest, this will probably not be the post for you ;)

choice a: single mastectomy with a tissue expander/implant. remove the cancerous side and begin reconstruction at the same time. they will take off the cancer and all breast tissue and replace it with a tissue expander. a tissue expander is basically an implant with a valve in it. every couple of weeks (after surgery) i'll go in and they'll add syringes of saline to the expander until i'm happy with the size. this "filling up" process takes awhile- up to 3 months, i think. then, after there has been some more time to "settle", i'll go back in for an outpatient procedure and have the expander swapped out for an implant of the proper size. the initial procedure is about 1-2 hours long. i'd stay in the hospital for about 2 days and then go home to recover for about 4 weeks. after 2-3 weeks my lifting limitations would lesson slightly...

choice b: single mastectomy with DIEP tissue replacement. in this procedure they wouldn't be using a saline implant, they would be using my own tissue. they would remove the cancerous breast first. then they would make a gigantic incision from hip bone to hip bone, and remove "tissue" (fat and muscle i believe) from my mommy pouch and make it into a boob. then they'd put that in. it's a 6-10 hour surgery. it's pretty much a tummy tuck/boob job in one. i'd be in the hospital for about 4-5 days and then go home to recover for about 6 weeks. again, the lifting restriction would lesson about 1/2 way through. *however*, my doctor will not give me a DIEP procedure until he know for sure that i won't be having radiation. which they won't know until i have surgery. so, if i want the DIEP done, then i have to go the tissue expander route first, then instead of the outpatient swap, i'd have the 6-10 hour surgery at that time and all the recovery that goes along with that. i can, if i choose to, wait till next summer to do that so that i can avoid using sick time.

if i choose to have a double mastectomy, choice a doesn't change much. they just remove both and add the expanders to both, and away we go. choice b, however becomes even more complicated, because (hold onto your hats folks) i apparently don't have enough fat in my big ol gut to make two boobs- so they'll have to get some from my thighs- adding a bit of a butt lift to the process. a double does add a couple of weeks to each of the recovery times, as well.

my plastic surgeon said to me when we first started talking "so i see you're a size 34 A. is that what you want to remain?" at which point i started laughing hysterically and asked him who in their right mind would say yes to that question??? especially since nursing has made "A" a farce as well. kind of like the weight on my driver's license- it's what i aspire to be on a good day... so, either way i go, i will also be having reconstruction on my healthy side. if i don't have a mastectomy on that side, though, and just reconstruct then there are different options, for that boob, but i don't really know what they are.

so you ask, why would i bother doing the DIEP? i'm not sure exactly... i know that using my own tissue is healthier and more natural looking, and in the long run should age better with my body. i also know that a tummy tuck sounds very nice to me. but i don't like the sound of the surgery and recovery. i feel like if i was single, and didn't have to worry about sick time, and taking care of my responsibilities at work and at home i would definitely do the DIEP. my plastic surgeon (though he did not say it out loud) seemed to prefer it to the implants. my cancer surgeon couldn't decide what she would do if she were in my place. i am totally overwhelmed. and they want to get me on the schedule for some time between june 23-26th so i have to decide by friday about the double vs. single part. as for the DIEP vs implants, i can kind of see how the implants look/feel and go from there (since the radiation thing will be in question until the final pathology reports come back a couple of weeks after my surgery- convenient, hey?).

downfall of the implant: they are apparently cold. like in winter. there's no blood vessels coursing through them, so when you get cold, your boobs get/stay cold for a while. as if i'm not cold enough already!! also, there's a 20-25% chance that i will have to have some sort of corrective procedure on the implants between now and when i die. they're less natural looking, but i think in clothes they're pretty similar.

and don't even get me started on nipple reconstruction and tattooing!! i'll save that for another post down the line. i'm not kidding- i'm in for a year of boob surgery. ugh. i have a support group meeting on thursday, and almost everyone there has had their surgery, so i'm hoping to get lots of good input from them. and feel free to let me know what you think :) or ask questions that i might be able to answer, or might not have thought to ask and need to ask now!

Mother's Day

i'm home sick today.  ugh.  this round has hit me a bit harder than the other 2.  yesterday was pretty bad.  i'm not sure about today.  i've been trying not to move too much.  kj and the girls are at my sister's doing the mother's day thing with my family so that i can have the couch without guilt.  i'm sitting and watching whatever tv i want and i don't have to feel bad about it.   not the worst mother's day, i suppose.  except i feel like crap.  

after my sister's kj's taking the girls over to my dad and jill's to spend the night so that i can sleep tomorrow- they'll take them to school for me.  thank goodness for that!  one more day to recover before going back to work on tuesday.

i got some gorgeous flowers from my hubby and girls :)  and kj got me a massage!  symma made me butterfly wind chime at school- so cute!  and kj made me breakfast in bed before he told the kids i was awake, so i got to eat it w/o them climbing all over me.  he's a good man, i tell you :) 

this morning i gave izzy a bath, and she was playing with her little ernie squirter.  she was feeding him and hugging him, and i asked if it was her baby, and she answered me... it took me a few times before i realized it, but she was totally saying "baby" back at me.  soooo cute!  up till now she's only said "mama" and "dada", with the occasional "cracker" or "cookie" tossed in. but today she's said "baby" a whole buncha times :)  pretty soon she's going to explode into sentences, and i'm not going to notice the new words anymore...  so i'm enjoying this one today :)

last night kj promised me that when i'm better we'll go somewhere.  so, now's the time to start planning :)  where should we go?  where have you all been that you would suggest?  i'm definitely leaning toward somewhere sunny- i'll have to show off my new assets :)  it will need to be fairly reasonable, and hopefully romantic.  i'm guessing we won't go till next summer, so i'll have time to set up a savings plan.  plus, i think we really want to take the girls to disney over spring break next year.  symma's been wanting to go for a while now, and i think she'll deserve it after this year :) so, let's hear the suggestions people!!  we've only been on one real vacation together- to hawaii on our honeymoon- which will be 10 years ago next summer. crazy!  so, it'll be our 10 year anniversary/no more cancer trip...  it has to be good :) 

happy mother's day to all of you that have mother'ed me :)   especially lately- my friends as well as my mom, and jill :)  love you all!!

chemo day

i had chemo #3 today, and all is well.  my counts were much higher than last time, so the neulasta shot did it's job.  i'll get my next dose of chemo on saturday, and then the next neulasta on monday.  followed by my 1st meeting with the plastic surgeon.  then on tuesday i meet with the cancer surgeon again.  hopefully after all of that i'll have a surgery plan and possibly a surgery date in the calendar.  

julie brought us dinner again tonight- yummy quesadillas :)  she's so wonderful!!

i had an amazing day on sunday- missing bowling saturday sucked, but my sunday made up for it. i was able to change the sheets on the kids beds with symma, work in the garden for a bit, play outside with malachy and joel and julie, and then i took the girls to the playground all by myself while kj napped.  

i must say i have a new found respect for kenny.  he's been taking the girls to the park a lot on his own since i've been sick.  and i did it all the time last summer.  what i didn't realize was that when i did it, izzy was immobile.  not so anymore.  the child is fast.  and fearless.  she climbs everything she can, and slides down everything she can (even when she lands on her head).  she goes across the bouncy bridge which symma didn't do until last year...  it's crazy!  i can't believe that he does this on almost a daily basis.  you can't keep up with her.  thank goodness i had symma there to spot her when i couldn't get to her :)  i was able to do it, though, so it was an awesome day!! 

i'm going to watch scrubs with my hubby now.  more another day :) 

team bon jovi rocked!!

we had an awesome walk this morning- i had so many friends around me that i couldn't keep up with everyone.  it was insane!  i was very humbled by everyone coming out to walk for me... and overwhelmed.  team bon jovi raised over $4,600 and i collected almost half of it.  i cannot get over how generous everyone has been.  some of the largest donations came from people that don't even know me.  i really hope to be able to pay it forward some day- both in money and in spirit.  it is my goal to remember how wonderful it is to feel so loved, and make someone else feel this way every day :) 

it was a beautiful day today- windy, but sunny and springlike.  yay!  i managed to do the 2.5 mile version of the walk- i felt like i could do more, but thought after last weekend i had better behave. plus i was really hoping that if i did the shorter walk i'd be able to go bowling tonight. that didn't happen- i'm too tired, and i think i have a cold coming on.  i decided it would be smarter to stay home and out of all the smoke and extra germs.  i'm really bummed about my body not following what my mind/heart wants to do.  it's very frustrating... 

izzy is still fighting a cold and her fever is back, but the doctor said it's nothing that we need to worry too much about.  keep an eye on her and give her tylenol...  i feel so bad for her- every time she tries to sleep the coughing takes over.  she's very cuddly in the middle of the night, but since she's a little germ factory right now i cuddle back with a bit of fear.  i really don't want to end up having to push my chemo back again this week.  but how can i turn my baby down when she wants a nuzzle?  she wraps her little bitty arm around my neck and buries her face in my neck, and i almost forget about her snot and drool...  and of course symma will be next and the cycle will start over.  and then there's swine flu.  they're talking about closing our whole district!  crazy.  but a few days off would be nice :)  

again, thank you so much for all of your support and generosity with the big walk.  i can't wait to do the whole 5 miles next year- with curly hair and a new chest :)      

more on the walk

hello :)  all is well here, though i'm so tired i can hardly handle it.  i actually cried leaving school the other afternoon because i was so tired and i still had to face my kids, and dinner, and bedtime, etc...  i keep telling myself that tired is not sick, and trying to push through it, but i'm not succeeding all that well.  oh well.  

i got a call from daycare today that izzy had to be picked up.  she has a fever and a cough, and with the swine flu thing going on  she has to go to the doctor.  when i called her pediatrician they decided it would be safer to bring her in and get her checked than worry all weekend.  not that i think she's been exposed to swine flu, but there is strep in her center, and with my immune system being low we don't want to take unnecessary chances.  so kj gets to take the girls to the doctor this afternoon.  fun for him.

tonight kj is going to an indoor football game with some of the guys.  i'm so glad he's getting out of the house for awhile!  and while he's gone amy and i will be making up some fancy shirts for the walk tomorrow...  i'm very excited to see kj in pink ;)

julie brought us dinner again this week.  Yum!  she made us chili and it was delicious.  could my friends be any nicer?      

my friend andrea made some very pretty pink bracelets that will be for sale at the walk tomorrow. they are $10 each and all proceeds will go towards the Cancer Society, so bring your money tomorrow :) they are really pretty (as you can see for yourself in the picture)!!  she's so sweet.  she gave me one, too, so i'll be wearing one and you know you all want to be in the cool group with me!  

the donations have continued to roll in- thank you all so much!!  i can't believe how generous everyone is.  and hopefully the research we help fund will end the need for walks like this in the future :)  

i'll have my camera at the walk tomorrow and will post pics for you all soon :)